Around November, 2011, I met him. I was almost 12 (I’m 15 now), & he was 22.. I fucking fell for him so hard. I never even knew what it was like to be in love with someone, but goddamn I fucking knew that he was the one I wanted to be with. At first, we were okay with each other.. We met because he was my mom’s tattoo artist, & they happened to be really good friends. My mom had recently found out about me self-harming, so she introduced me to him, & told me that if I ever needed someone, I could go to him or her or whoever else was close to me. He gave me his number & I would text him whenever I felt down about something. I never realized how badly it would end. It didn’t even end until July 14, 2014.
He would come over a lot.. So much, that I started seeing him more than 3 times a week. I just kept falling for him, more & more. It was to the point where I would just bring him up at any given time during a conversation. In 2012, that’s when the first move happened. He asked me to send him nudes, but I was 12.. but I also didn’t want to make him hate me. So I sent him a bra & underwear picture.. Of course, my body wasn’t fully developed yet, so there wasn’t much to look at.. but it pleased him. I remember telling my uncle’s friend about him asking me for this, & he told my mother. My mom confronted both me & this guy about it, & he just claimed he was drunk & my mom dropped it. Except, that wasn’t the end of it.
We lived together for a while. He moved in my house in October, 2013. His mom was kicking him out, so my mom – being his best friend – offered him a place to stay until he could get his own house again. His room was right across from mine, & I was so fucking ecstatic about that… A few months before he moved in, around June, we started doing something that we shouldn’t have. He was my first, but I don’t even know what I was for him.. Of course, at the time, I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t want to lose him. I was so in love & I didn’t realize that it would hurt me so badly..
He would bring over girls to have sex, & he knew I could hear them from my room.. One of them was this girl I used to be friends with. They dated for a year without telling me, & she’s a year older than me, so keep in mind that she is also underage. I wouldn’t tell anyone though..because I didn’t want to lose him.
Whenever he’d get mad at me for something, he’d hit me. I remember the feeling of his hand around my throat when he’d pick me up & slam me against a wall.. I remember the look in his eyes when he’d get upset. It tore me apart. How could someone that I gave so much to treat me so horribly?
I had this one friend, T, who went on vacation with me in July, 2014.. she claimed that he tried to finger her, but I don’t know if that happened (I’m neither denying nor agreeing with what she said).
After vacation, she came home & made a report to the police about him molesting her & I. I remember the day the detectives came in exact detail.
He was passed out on his bed, & I was passed out on his floor. It was around 11 in the morning & we were supposed to go to the zoo because it’s free on Mondays, but he didn’t feel well so we thought that we’d wait it out. But then the detectives came, first looking for him. He had an idea what it was about, but he also thought it had something to do with his missing (or “stolen,” as he claimed) wallet. We didn’t go immediately. They had to come back a second time, but they asked for me.
I didn’t say what it was about.. My mom kept asking me, but each time, I’d just say that I didn’t know, but my eyes were filled with tears because, deep down, I knew. I stared at her while I was about to cry.. And he just came open about it. He told her exactly what happened. And I remember the look on his face; I remember how pissed my mom was.. At the time, I didn’t understand why she was, but I do now.
They fought in my mother’s room for a while, so I locked myself in my room & I am almost positive I blacked out because I don’t remember anything up until my mom started calling for me to go to the police station..
I’m not going to talk about what happened there..
But I haven’t seen him since that day. And he’s all I ever think about. “Is he doing okay?” I can’t have contact with him..at all. He’s going to be in prison for 10 years.
He’s the main reason I want to commit suicide. I don’t know if it’s because I literally miss him to where my heart just feels heavy & my eyes become bloodshot red, or if it’s because of the abuse & disrespect, or if it’s because I don’t know if I actually consented or not.
Legally, I know that at the time, I couldn’t.. But in my mind, I said yes. I don’t know if I would have done it if he wasn’t edging me on to do it, but I don’t know. And it’s really fucking me up. I miss him but I literally also hope that he jumps off a bridge.. I really want to kill myself & I just don’t fucking know what to do.
8 comments
I’m sorry to hear all these unfortunate events that happened to your life. Have you ever stories where hostages became sympathetic to their captors? and even commit crimes together? Come on, girl, he raped you! You were young, you didn’t know how to protect yourself. You were naive, and you were confused about your feelings. That’s why there are laws forbidding this sort of relationships. In a few years, when you meet aa real gentleman you truly love, you would think if this crush on thisweasel silly. What are you missing him for? He should be put away from the society for good. I hope his jail mates, upon hearing his unspeakable crime, would do him prison justice, when the American justice system couldn’t do enough justice.
Although I don’t talk to him, I heard from his mother that he got jumped twice due to his cell mates finding out what he did. I understand that it was wrong, but for some reason, I feel the need to blame myself. & I just don’t know why. I don’t know why I miss him, either. I get that he should be in prison, but I just can’t get over the fact that I never expected nor wanted him to go. It’s really so confusing to me.
Please, understand that you have no need to blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes I feel guilty over things that weren’t my fault. I used to feel that a lot when I was younger, but time taught me that the victims are never guilty. You don’t know how to feel about him or about everything that happened and, in a way, that’s okay… Maybe that’s better than just feeling sad. Maybe time will make you rationalize everything more clearly and you’ll heal. I know the comment you left wasn’t directed to me, but I felt like I needed to comment anyways, sorry. Have a great night of sleep/a great day, depending on where you are.
And sorry for any typos, it’s 2:48 am here where I am zzz.
This world isn’t fair… This guy is a monster, your mom let him stay with you guys and he took the opportunity. Disgusting. I wonder if your mom felt guilty… At least she got angry at him, my mom never truly cared. The guy that hurt me and tried to kill me is happy and free living his life… I hope that the man that took advantage of you stays forever in jail. I’m so sorry, I wish I could do something for you to make you feel better. I wish I could go back in time and change everything that happened to you so you wouldn’t feel suicidal. I would if I could. I know it’s hard not to feel sad/angry/confused. It’s a mix of feelings. Sending you love and a big hug.
I am so so sorry that the guy who hurt you is on the streets right now. I can’t even begin to imagine what that might feel like.. If you need anything, you can talk to me, okay? I’m sending you love back & a really big hug. I get that it may be hard to get over, but I promise that it won’t be impossible. You can do it <3
Thank you <3
I mean this with no disrespect: you are a child and more of a child back then. Being an adult means balancing what the body, mind, heart, soul, society, and family wants. Being an adult not only means knowing what is right and wrong, but why things are right and wrong, and how right and wrong choices affect others.
What you did was wrong on the level of “a bad idea.” You simply did not have the tools required to understand every repercussion of the situation you were in. You are going to have to learn to forgive yourself. This truly wasn’t your fault.
What your mom did, by allowing him to be there, was wrong on the level of “unimaginably fucked up.” She should have known he was toxic. I can only assume she herself suffered from a mental sickness that prevented her from seeing how badly wrong the situation was.
What he did was wrong on the level of “monstrously evil.” He crossed a line that society has in place for very good reasons. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew what happens to children that are sexually used by adults.
Above all you must not hate yourself for yearning for him. The heart is a powerful and often misguided motivator. The desire to be touched, to be held, to be wanted, to be desired is a glorious and terrible thing. Our hearts reach out hungryly. Adults know that there are times when the heart is just plain wrong and we have to hide it away, protect it, a suffer a tiny bit to keep something much much worse from happening.
I despair that I live in a society that didn’t explain this to you. That nobody worked with you to help you understand that what happened wasn’t right, and that you weren’t wrong for being caught up in it.
Sorry for all the big words. Saying things simply was beaten out if me long ago.