Unlike the human race who keeps trying to stay alive, I try to die every day. I’ve become so close, I have no fear of anything anymore. I cut more more each day, and take more xanax each day and if I bled to death or did not wake up it would be ok, I’m just not afraid anymore. That’s how I know that I’m finally at the End. Each day to stay alive is a new struggle and I’m tired of this fight, I don’t even want fight anymore so I’m thinking today is the day. Anna
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I hope this comment reaches you… I hope it isn’t your last day. I’m not one to tell someone when they should or shouldn’t die. I hate that you’re suffering. I can’t say I know it’ll get better. I don’t know anything about you. But I hope you stay around a bit… just to talk. Sending love your way. Keep it with you, whatever you decide to do.
Thank you and I mean that. I have no one in my life that really cares. Been in counseling a year. Cut myself more everyday. Need to be in the hospital but the people that live with me couldn’t deal with the embarrassment or the fact that no one would be around to fix their problems. So, I have just reach a level of dissassociation that nothing matters anymore. I can’t feel anymore so it must be the right time.
Ow. Please…
Right now I’m thinking about killing myself because I’m too embarrassed to call an intensive outpatient therapy program. All I have to do is that one thing. One freaking thing. It’s stupid and serious and simple and hard and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. If I fail today I will try tomorrow. Killing myself will be the last option. Literally. Figuratively.
I tell you what; if we could switch bodies I would gladly walk your body over to the hospital if you would make my body place this phone call for me.
But it’s not that easy, is it?
Please, if you are going to disassociate then first disassociate yourself from the selfishness of those people around you.
I have two reasons you should stay alive that I wish to highlight:
1) Your name is Anna. I’ve only known one Anna and she was a great force for good in this world. You could be the same!
2) You know how to use the word “disassociate.” That’s pretty hard core compared to most people.
I want the pain to end, too. But I also want to pet a kitten. Suicide doesn’t allow both, unless it’s death by kitten which I hear is really expensive. Hugs!
You are a beautiful soul. I understand that you no longer find any reason to live and you are not afraid of death anymore. May you find peace.
For See Smith, I too want treatment. I got it once though and it was a joke…men and women on the same ward, my anxiety, bring female. Did not allow me to close my eyes all night long for 3 days. I saw psychiatrist one-on-one only one time. Have a high IQ so I knew the answer she was looking for and gave them to her so that I could get out of there because I did not feel safe. And she let me out because she doesn’t really give a damn she’s just there for the money. So where are the people that really care? Are the people that really care the only ones that are really hurting like one another? And can you combined forces with those people and help each other or do you just end up hurting each other, when you’re in pain at the same time. My youngest son’s birthday is tomorrow he is 26. I won’t take my life on his birthday,, but the time is coming and the saddest part about it is after many times I felt this way im finally okay with it and nobody even sees it. Why can nobody see my pain? Am i that invisible? My husband of six months of cheated on me 3 times so I know that I’m not beautiful or even close to being pretty, but invisible… Can i really be invisible? Because that’s how they act like I’m invisible
Hi Anna. I know this comment was to SeeSmith… I hope you don’t mind me jumping in.
First of all, re what you said in your other comment… I really think now is the time to be put yourself first. It’s not going to hurt anyone if you go to hospital. You can’t afford to worry about their selfishness. Maybe they aren’t selfish – maybe they would understand how bad you are. But either way, if you feel you need to then you should. Then again, if you don’t want to and it was that horrific last time… well, treatment doesn’t have to come from others. You can look for ways to treat yourself. I heard of someone with chronic, severe anxiety and someone with CFS who, when nobody could treat them, looked for ways to treat themselves and ended up putting together their own treatment programmes for others. There are countless techniques and treatments that are online or in books to learn. You might have considered or tried this, or not feel able to try right now… but I thought I’d mention it in case you hadn’t. People who are severely depressed or suicidal are often told not to try to treat themselves, but if standard medical care has failed you and you’re in this position, then why not try?
I think a lot of people care but are afraid of helping those that are suicidal because they don’t want their blood on their hands. Not everyone goes into that work for the money. Some just don’t understand. They don’t see the severity of your condition, or the problems you’re going through. Others in pain do, so they care deeply and don’t let you go as easily. I really do think people in even the most severe pain can combine forces and pull each other up. You’re not invisible. In RL it’s easy to rely on family and for people to take their family for granted… but you’re not invisible here.
Guess i’ll hijack this as well. Not all shrinks/therapists are bad ones, but if you go there giving them bs just to get out of it, you’re not even giving them the chance of helping you. It doesn’t matter if you’re smarter than them, sometimes you can learn things that you weren’t aware of from the people you expect it the least.
You say your youngest son is 26, and that you won’t ruin his birthday… i’m guessing he would be affected by your departure then (you said you feel like you’re invisible… well, you’re clearly not invisible). The good thing is that since he’s older you can be a bit more selfish and look for help, regardless of what others say. If you need to go to the hospital, do so, even if things are really bad i’m pretty sure they’d prefer to have the embarrassment (which makes no sense) than to have you dead.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but your husband is a freaking idiot. 6 months and he cheated 3 times? ditch that guy. The fact that he did that doesn’t mean you’re invisible or that you’re not pretty tho, cheaters do so because they can. Most likely he has cheated on every relationship he’s been in. Again, i can’t stress this enough, look for help, and commit to it because if you don’t it just doesn’t work. I do wish you luck, and sorry if i sounded rude or harsh at parts, but infidelity gets on my nerves every time (been there).
Anna: yes, a therapist is paid… A paid friend. I expect them to be on my side and not let me worm away from facing the truth. You should demand the same. Hell yes, you have to lean into it.
My mom just gave up and blew her brains out. Almost 16 years later I’m still mad at her for not trying every available option. Ultimately she was too prideful to go to a therapist. She didn’t get to see her grandson grow up. She didn’t get to see GWB reelected… um, maybe that’s a good thing.
Look, you can end yourself any damn time you please. Your smart and old enough to know 20 good ways to die. When you try you will succeed. So let’s just place that option off to the side and explore other avenues.
As far as your husband is concerned… ugh… I don’t think I need to comment. Except… I suggest emptying out his bank account, setting fire to his car, and taking an expensive trip to Paris.
Lastly, if you think you are ugly then you are. You’ve been around the block. Don’t buy into that bullshit. I’ve been picking my GFs soley based on brainpower and heart size for 30 years, that never ever was a mistake.
Safe journeys.
Thank you all for your replies. It saddens me so many people are in pain and no one even knows. My pain has been going on a long time, molested by my father by the time I was 5, sexually molested by my brother in law when I was 12 and told to keep my mouth shut about it so I wouldn’t ruin my sister’s life, abused by one husband and barely got away alive and now cheated on by this husband. I’m kind of used to being the screwed up one. I wonder if there’s a sign on my head that says screw me over I deserve it. Someone once told me that the people that hurt me are the ones that are screwed up. They might have been in the beginning, but now I am. I have nine cuts on my arms and I have carved the word trash in my abdomen and those are scars from just the week because I have not yet started today but the cutting will begin soon. I keep telling myself that if I can cut a little deeper and a little more each day that the pain of death won’t be so severe that i’ll be… Used to it. I can’t think clearly anymore. And you the one that calls yourself See Smith, I wish I could have met someone like you, I hope you find love today for all of you. Anna
Someone like you gave birth to me.
Mom… she was a great artist and a good friend and tried so hard to be a good mother, but the demons kept her from being able to form healthy relationships. She was abandoned at 3, spent years rotting in an abusive orphanage, raped by her uncle/adopted father and carried that baby for eight months until she miscarried, ran away, two dates with my father resulting in an unplanned pregnancy (me), beaten by my father, and then finally free but with no money or possessions.
I begged her for twenty years to seek help. There always was a reason she wouldn’t go.
Ultimately she ended herself and left me to clean up the blood. There was so much blood! Pools on the floor, spray on the walls, drops on the ceiling. And the worst of the worst is she sat me down and told me that she was going to do it. All those years since I was a kid she told me over and over again that I was supposed to let her go when she felt it was her time. And I let her. I didn’t try to stop her. I was 42, an intelligent adult, I could have picked up the phone and called a suicide crisis line but I didn’t. I helped my mother kill herself. And that knowledge has eaten a hole so deep inside me that there is nothing left. I am hollow and guilty and now it’s my turn to die.
Regardless whether your son suspects anything or not, he will ask himself constantly if he could have done anything. He, too, will feel like he should have saved you. It will be a wound that may never heal and the temptation to kill himself when the world turns black will be so much greater.
Show him a better path. Please seek help. Besides helping you save your own life a therapist will teach you how to remove the fucking sign on your head at no additional charge.