I’m a loving husband and father. After taking an a antidepressant and subsequently stopping it a matter of weeks later I developed a rare physical condition for which prognosis is dubious and treatment is extremely painful. It has interfered with EVERY aspect of my life and is debilitating both physically and mentally.
I was negligently put on a benzodiazepine which I’m trying to taper off and is proving difficult, it’s destroyed my health. I have fought this for over a year via physical therapy and various different forms of medication. I look and feel awful, I have had to move in with my parents and can no longer work. I’m tired and weary and my fight is all but gone, I desperately want to die.
I attempted to hang myself in the past briefly before coming to my senses. The only reason I’m alive today is because I’m loved and I don’t want to upset those around me, especially my wife and young children. I have never in my life felt so hopeless and lonely despite the tremendous amount of love and support I receive, which as you can imagine makes me feel incredibly guilty. I have crushed up and hidden a large amount of my medication which I guess I’ll mix with alcohol if I can’t bring myself to face another day.
I cry everyday over the life I’ve lost and the heartache it’s brought my family. I beg and pray to God for the misery to end but alas my mental state continues to worsen. I was once a strong, reliable, fun, loving, caring family man and now I’m a shadow. I look in the mirror and I no longer recognise my own reflection, gaunt and thin.
I look like I’m dying which is apt because I feel dead on the inside, the only emotions I’m capable of feeling are sadness, guilt and despair. I want to keep fighting in the hope that I’ll improve but I have none, the benzodiazepines have robbed me of so much. I’ve never looked for relief in alcohol or drugs other than those prescribed. Prescription drugs and clinical negligence have destroyed my life and severely impacted upon my family, I feel I’ve been murdered so it begs the question.
If I take my own life would it really be suicide?
4 comments
It would still be suicide now matter what scenario you’re in because you are killing yourself. Since you seem to be a religious man and you have loved ones in your life. I would say see if you can fight through the pain and it would have a larger impact on your family than it will have on yourself. Besides if you commit suicide you will go to hell. I mean you have a family, you’re not a loser man. You shouldn’t do, other than the drugs, your life seems pretty good.
Under most conditions, I don’t support parents with dependent children who kill themselves, I think that they are the ones who should fight as hard as possible to stay and try absolutely every method out there to get better, even if it’s unorthodox. Kids need their parents.
You… I don’t know. At the very least, I would suggest looking for alternative medicine for the pain (would marijuana help?) and reaching out as much as you can while you can.
I’d be livid with those doctors, you’re in a very unfortunate state, it’s awful.
I think every life form is precious regardless of whether you are ugly or pretty, fat or thin, a parent or not a parent, whether you are loved or hated, needed or not needed. All life is precious and everyone should fight to the best of their ability and investigate all options before considering to exit. I’d forget about any prescription meds and look at natural alternatives with some counseling. Best wishes.
ya that’s a good point…