I’m 28 years old now but I’m still that timid and shy little kid I was since I can remember and I fucking hate it.
I’ve tried cognitive therapy, SSRIs and even self-improvement clubs and courses like Toastmasters, but to no avail. I just seize up and go blank when I’m supposed to talk to people, and don’t even get me started on trying to talk to women. I’m such a fucking loser.
It probably goes back to my strict upbringing where anxiety and fear were some of my earliest feelings. I’m just broken. When anyone engages me I shut down, shut off. This must be a defense that I developed too well in my early life and it has stuck around impeding any normal social functioning. At thos point I doubt I’ll be able to open up, let people in, and be who I wish I was.
I’ll probably stick around a bit for frivolous enjoyments, like video games and blockbuster movies, but deep down I know I don’t want to live as this scared little boy in a man’s body anymore.
4 comments
Well, it might help to talk it out. On here i mean. For starters, did one of your parents beat you?
I was never beaten, but my dad was an Eastern European immigrant who was a very intimidating taskmaster. He had a booming voice and the slightest thing could set him off. This is the genesis of my introversion, avoidance, quietness, tuning out (he was a big lecturer).
But none of this really helps me, it’s in the past and only allows me to intellectualize why I’m the way I am. My inability to change, to become social and comfortable around other people is my problem. I’ve tried so hard to put myself out there but these feelings won’t go away – I’m permanently scared and frightened and hopeless.
I had an extremely strict christian upbringing, and look where I am now. On a suicide site, with intense anxiety, and I’m also not religious.
I don’t feel a life like this is any kind of life worth living at all. But I do enjoy me some video games, so I guess I’ll stick around for those. So there’s always at least one reason to stay, right?
Talk and more talk. FTR most of us humans are those scared kids wrapped up in a full packaging. That’s why we kill each other and wage war.