Worst

Today, as I wracked with sobs, hiding from my parents and my visiting friend, never have I ever wanted to be dead as much.

I am so angry-sad that, in the first time I can remember, I was so close to being truly happy only to have it snatched away literally weeks before it could’ve happened.  I could’ve been not depressed (or significantly less so) and still be engaged to the woman I love.  She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Even after everything I’ve been through, this might be the worst.  Maybe because I was so close to being happy, that it was actually attainable.  Or maybe I’m just too worn out, too tired to rebuild again.

This devastation feels different than before.  As miserable as I was before, I still wanted to be happy.  Now?  I just feel done.  I lost the woman and the life that I want, the life I fully believed I would have.  I don’t even care anymore if the TMS works.  I may become less depressed, but I’ll still be miserable.  I only want my life with her.  I meant it when I said that she was it for me- she actually said it too, but like a lot of other things, she didn’t mean it.

I love her so much and yet I’m angry at her too.
When I cried, gut-wrenchingly, my body literally in pain, she was the one I wanted to comfort me.

I want to know how she could do this.  If she loved me as much as she said she did, was as committed as she said she was, then I don’t understand how she could’ve left me.  I wish she understood how this feels to me.  I believed we were family- she is family to me -and I know she would never turn her back on the rest of her family (not even to the sibling who abused her).  I didn’t think it was possible for her to turn her back on me.