Finally

after following this site for many years, I have worked up the courage to spill my guts. I knew it would eventually lead to this very moment. It used to hurt but now that I can wear a mask I don’t need it, the irony irritates me. The pain hurts momentarily before it overwhelms me and i go numb and it subsides. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time with a regurgitation of what others have felt. I’m no different after all I’m not special. The only thing I had was my philosophy and I lost that I lost everything. Money is meaningless. I’m no war hero. But they all expect me to be happy as if happiness was measured by what they deem success; by money, heroism, experience, education and the like. The world doesn’t change and neither will I. If there was a god I’d hate it; if there is anything after this life I don’t want to be a part of it I don’t want anything, I never did. I just wanted not to exist. I hate myself. I don’t expect anything from anyone since I have never received it anyway. This as close to a suicide note I will have. I just wanted to let all you humans know how i felt since this is as close as I will come to having someone. The truth is I cared once for all of you until I realized you don’t care for you. Rape!, murder!, abuse! I’ve witnessed it all and you all seem to enjoy like a battered woman justifying her husband’s actions so long as she’s not alone. women!, men!, children!, adults!, its all irrelevant. at the end you do what you can to survive or make this life seem to your liking. philosophy should have been our start but we discard it like anything we have in abundance. I wish I could have even talked to one decent human I have traveled so many years to so many countries and met many people of variant status yet nothing changes. Dogs! seem to have better judgment, distinguishing friend or foe since they do not weigh with convenient perception. My only regret is I let it go this far; my first opportunity at 5 years old was abandoned due to sheer doubt in my beliefs. I’m sorry, the purpose for this is not to place blame only to explain my position. I know I will not fail since I have experience with explosive propelled devices. I do not wish nor will I hurt anyone. At the bottom of my heart I never could hurt anything, tho orders are orders I take full responsibility for my actions. I tried to be a model citizen up until now. I have been alone all my life, truly alone. I can leave in somewhat of what I consider peace now thanks. perhaps the dead will forgive me as much as the living. thank you all so much for this I love you with all that I’ am if I could I would take the worlds pain and suffering  just as all of you have taken mine. thank you. I will depart before summer.–citizen of the world.