*sigh*

A depressing, lonely new year’s. I sent a facebook sticker animated kiss to the guy I like earlier today and he had to once again tell me to not read too much into it that he laughed, and to me that’s like he might as well say I’m too gross and disgusting to think about. I really don’t need reminders, and wish he didn’t have to say those things every time we do talk, as if I would forget that he’s never going to be mine and need to be reminded constantly? No, I don’t need the reminders. He doesn’t need to keep putting up a wall against me.

An ex of mine has gotten back on facebook for like, the past week? and contacted me. So far, he’s been civil. But no, he was a train wreck and there’s no way I’d go for him. So don’t even think it. Just trust me on this. I can just be a friend as long as he’s civil. I’m sure he had no one else to talk to though. Him and his mom are pretty much going to be homeless very soon. He talked about the lottery being the only hope and I had to tell him that the lottery isn’t even a possibility for me! A few months ago, I read in the news that IL isn’t paying it’s lottery winners until it approves a budget and schedule, and current winners are assed out and haven’t seen a dime. So wtf, when you can’t even hope for a 1 in a billion chance of salvation on a lottery ticket? So I told him he has to be able to scrape up the change to play the lottery in Alaska because the lottery is worthless in Illinois. sigh.

I’ve planned, for the last few days, to do a midnight gonyo and chant from 12a-1a. I’ve been depressed and lonely again, and feeling like shit, like, since my last post there hasn’t been any real improvement in my emotional state. But I’m hoping it will do something to set the universe in motion for a better 2016. sigh.

So I happened upon this numerology ad and clicked it for the “free” reading. It, of course, can’t account for someone being trans or gay. It assumes we’re all cis-het. But anyway. So, instinctively I run it with my birth name, and what it said (I forget now) sounded fairly like me. It was wrong about a couple of things, like I’m not in shape and I don’t have fashionable clothes. Then it said I’d meet a man who shares my values and it might be someone from my past that I was close to. (If so my picks are Denver or Jesse because I love Denver and Jesse!) So then I ran it with my chosen name and found that the first part was even more so like me, and more specifically, who I am now and how I have changed since I changed my name! That was like, woah! Crazy shit! But then it got WAY wrong when it talked about meeting women and what kind of woman I’d want! Hah! No, sorry, as a man I’m flaming queer and I want me a man! lol But still, I’ll have to look deeper into what it calculates and get something in text (instead of video, as this was a video) so I can compare the life path and soul urge and all that shit on my birth vs chosen name. But it’s still weird because it says your name is not an accident. My mom chose my name pretty blindly, as I did too. I chose what I liked and felt clicked. I didn’t analyze it according to numerology, astrology or anything else. So it’s even more bizarre that my new numbers (and yes, they are different!) are so much more about who I am these days and how the numbers under my birth name sound like me, but it’s the me I grew up with, know what I mean?

But still…. SIGH. I’m too ugly to ever be loved. So, why bother. Just focus on career like my new numbers make me out to be – a workaholic without the time to put any effort into relationships. SIGH. 🙁

edit: previously posted pic for rocketman