Sometimes I feel dissociated from life. I am consumed yet still apart from sadness or anger or depression, like I’m treading in the middle of the ocean, watching the giant crests and seeing nothing but blue and overwhelming emptiness.
My dad started drinking again after a period of forced sobriety due to drunk hospital visits. I found out by being stopped in the stairs of the apartment building and warned that he was passed out for several hours and had been drinking for several days. He had already been back to the hospital. His liver and pancreas and brain are all fucked up.
It’s like dealing with a child, very infantile behavior, but the kids over 6 feet and is drinking straight vodka from a soda can. And he has remained pretty drunk. I was going to go back home this afternoon but instead have to stay here and deal with the situation. I feel like I am playing with fire but the pain is just so constant it disappears. But I know the burn will come and the pain and break down. I just can’t look around me and think life is a merry go round when everything around me is collapsing. The pull of depression gets stronger and the attempts weigh me down. I’m really trying here but the future seems to be full of nothing.
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My father was like your father when I was younger. He was hospitalized multiple times. I remember visiting him when I was perhaps 10 or 11 when his pancreas shut down. He was hooked up to all these tubes and machines and I stood there watching him suck ice out of a cup totally lost. It didn’t connect for me that it was the alcohol that did it to him. He was hospitalized many times for this. I couldn’t save him and at 10 I couldn’t even save myself.
Walk away. You can not help him unless he wants to help himself. Just walk away and begin building a life away from him and the toxicity of alcohol abuse. He will either sink or swim but in the end he is not your burden. He has broken the most basic of parent child contracts, which is to care for you and keep you safe. Walk towards help and health and no not look back.