What is it like to just live? To just live a life where you don’t feel like everyone is watching you? Where no one gives a shit what you are doing, where you are going, who you are talking to, and how you are doing it? I really can’t remember. I honestly want to live in a cave underground with no windows and no doors and no light so that no one can see me ever. I want to not exist. I want to be alone so that I don’t hurt anyone. I want to never interact with anyone so that I don’t do anything wrong and I cause no one any pain. I read the other day that suicide doesn’t stop the pain it only creates more pain…for those you leave behind. I get it. But how can they measure just how much pain is being stopped? And how can they measure the amount of time that the pain that is being stopped would have continued? I have been told that after someone dies or commits suicide it gets better or easier to deal with. Well the pain that someone is living with doesn’t always get better, in fact a lot of times it only gets worse and harder to deal with. Has anyone else thought about that? I’m not saying that today I want to die or even that I still want to go. This last time that I tried I pretty much succeeded but they brought me back and nursed me back to health again and the repurcussions have been immense and I can see the errors of my ways and the huge amount of damage that I would have caused to everyone and I can’t see doing that to anyone now. (But that doesn’t mean I still don’t wish for that peace and that release from the pain.) I simply have a new reason to live. And a shit ton more questions about life.
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3 comments
amen. Well said. Who cares about their pain, why should we, they don’t care about our pain or know what it is like. Just want it to stop too but it won’t and there no one to be inside our shoes facing this pain. What a shiity world. Nuke us all.
It’s extremely lonely. Waking up and knowing no one cares about you, that no one will ever greet you with genuine smile and no one will care what you think, what you have to say. Meeting people you know they don’t care even the slightest about what you have to say. Constantly being looked through and never being looked at. Feeling like a shadow, like a husk of a body that is already dead but not even the death itself cared to tell. It slowly eats the person from the inside until they decide they might as well disappear entirely as no one will notice anyway. Feeling abandoned by everyone. Clinging to those few happy memories until they get corrupted by own mind and turned against them, pushing them to the edge.
I’m not going to pretend I have answer to life since I don’t, but I’m sure loneliness is not it. I hope that at least I answered that one question. Even on this page you can find so many of us who struggle with loneliness and abandonment.
I agree about the pain. The only person who can judge how much pain is present is the person who feels it. Saying that someone else suffers or will suffer more or less is not going to make anyone feel better. It can only make people feel guilty which will in the end cause them more pain.
Each person will have a different reaction, but for me, isolation was the answer. I wouldn’t say it was the happiest time of my life, but it was the most pain free.
In order to handle solitude you have to be a solitary person to begin with. Or you have to become so disgusted with society that you will never think of looking back once you leave it. Many of us think we’re ready to leave society forever, or that solitary life will be happy and full of joy and meaning, but it’s a very different story. Solitude simply means your own mind becomes your entire world. If you are ok with that, then do it. But if it scares you to think of being alone with your own mind forever, then you’ll experience the worst hell imaginable.