Just feel like a hopeless loser

I cant shake this feeling of patheticness that lives within in me, its like a cancer that has grown to occupy and associate itself with so much of my thoughts. I cant look at something simple and not have it trigger these self defeating and narcissistic thoughts.

Everything feeds it and makes it grow, stronger and stronger. It has gotten to the point where it effects everything I do, every conversation I have, every task that I have to go through to live my life.

Is someone had a disease that the doctor could see in a scanner and see that it has spread so much, they would understand. I cant explain something like this, no matter what people would usually just tell me, well you got to get better.

Maybe they are right, but I feel like I rather die since it was my mind that got me to this stage, why get back to normal when normality ended me up here?