I’m not sure anymore

I don’t know where to start with. I’ve never been happy, well, if I ever were, I can’t remember. I’m 18 and I had to deal with being kicked out of my parents home because I was the shame of my familly : Bad grades, Failure, I’m skinny (my parents never tried to help by getting me food I could eat without wanting to puke it, I’ve always been difficult with food, and yet my parents wouldn’t want me to eat something else than what they would give me, not even an healthy apple for exemple, and for hours I had to hear my father saying : “You’re going to die”, “You’ll end at hospital” “You’ll get a cancer” “You’re a shame”), which is why I’ve always been underweight, almost looking like a walking zombie and people would think I’m a monster. I’m born with fear and anxiety, I could believe anything and everything people would tell me, such as what my own father and familly members would tell me. I had the fear to die, at age of 6, you know, that kind of fear : Void, nothing, you don’t exist, but do you still think ? You’re gone forever and you can never come back. Thinking about that was and is still painful, I have that weird body feeling when I think about death, like I lose all the energy I have and feel super uncomfortable. I’ve been bullied for years for being Skinny and small sized, for being timid (I would not dare doing nothing at all, everything I could do was bad anyway). The only friends I ever had backstabbed me, and the ones I lately meet also did the same.

But even with all of that, I always tried to help people, looks like I could understand every single problems, and I could feel them aswell, like if I really had those problems. Got scammed recently with my old roomate who pretended to have a brain tumor only for his own comfort, while I couldn’t spent on anything else in hope his cancer would be cure. He always been sayin he would pay me back, but it ended like that : He laughed at me for my dumbness and ofc he kept everything.

I always had the pressure since I’m 12 that I would never go far in life, that I was a shame, that I was unhealthy and probably a walking dicease. My mother would force me to study til midnight from the age of 8 to learn all my lessons, had to deal with constant fatigue and pressure. I never had a single break in my life. And ofc while I was studying, if I didn’t understand, both of my parents would remind me that I’m dumb asf and that I am so different compared to my awesome brothers. I mean, my brothers never been in my situation, they were perfect. And then at 16, they would remind me everyday if I don’t manage to pass my exams, they would kick me out of my parents place. Constant pressure. People insulting me, made fun of me, everytime, everywhere.

Eventually I finally got kicked and luckily I had a job and some money so I avoided streets. Went to live with that scammer then I moved after and it took everything because of the system, to leave this place. I work 40hours a week, nightshiff since my boss understood my situation, I can’t handle it, always tired, sick, looks like I get skinnier everyday, friends gave up on me like before, but that doesn’t surprise me. I look at myself in the mirror since a very young age that I’m going to die soon.

Whenever I lose my job, I will end to the streets, at 18 yo. Without nobody to help me out. And by eventually, I mean that I will lose it, pretty sure.

I’m sick, confused, I don’t even know what to do, I feel like my life routine always been based on those : Depression, Shame, Fear, Stress, Insane Anxiety, Insecurity.

I want to die but I still have that fear. But everything is so painful and I know I will never get healthy. + I developped with time an addiction to cannabis and tobbaco, that would make me feel “alive”, and it would make me appreciate a few things, but in the end it only increase my pain, and obviously, that’s not healthy at all. I can barely eat, I don’t like food anymore.

I really want to die, but that fear of death kind of maintain me alive. But I hate this life. Nothing will ever change even if I try. Everything is meant to put me down.

I feel like theres a lot of missing stuff in my post, it’s confusing even for me.

I’m crazy, I need help