Scared

So this last month has been ok. I’ve been doing decently well. I haven’t cut, though I’ve had the urge a few times. I lost myself in a book series so that helped get out of my own head for a while. And right now I’m dealing with normal problems like trying to get a guy to ask me out and not failing my classes. But the thoughts never go away, I doubt they ever will. The thoughts that help me spiral down. The ones that make me hate myself and want to kill myself. I still have my ultimatum for the end of the year where if my life doesn’t seem worth living by December 31st, I won’t live to see 2017. I feel like that’s kind of selfish but I’m going to keep the ultimatum and see how the rest of the year goes.

Tomorrow is my old high schools band concert and I decided that I’m going to go to it. I’m going to go and see people I know and try to look put together and hope everything goes okay. I’m worried I’m going to break down crying or freak out because the one person who I talked to back in November about my mental problems will be there and I’m terrified to see him. I was going to talk to him in December when things were still bad(why I have my ultimatum) but I never got the chance to see him in real life and although I could’ve texted him he has a habit of not answering unless it’s worth his time. I was going to try to see him in January but when I sent a text asking if I could stop by, he never responded so I didn’t and I haven’t tried to make contact with him again because I’m terrified. Terrified that it’ll be confirmed by him that I’m a worthless piece of shit. And even though I haven’t talked to him in 3 months I keep having dreams with him in it and in those dreams we talk and are friends and for some reason I feel like if he doesn’t care about my existence then why am I here? He was the person who when I was on the verge of killing myself senior year told me that I was important to him. He never knew what I went through that year and that he helped save me until November of last year. He showed me that he cared about me and that helped bring me out of my depression into a few months of happiness. Then when I fell back down I told him what he did in hopes he could help me again but we are not as close as before and I don’t know. I will see him tomorrow and I don’t know if I’ll start crying or have a panic attack of some sort. I’m scared.