Background, bipolar, recently diagnosed as an adult in my 40’s. Have a relatively successful life, 2 great kids and am in the middle of a divorce because he is a narcissist. Apparently the only time my bipolar issues become an issue is when I am under extreme stress. Like say sharing a house for a year with someone you don’t like.
If I could figure out how to protect my kids I would be gone. That simple, that complex. I want my kids safe so I live.
I don’t know how to find the balance I need to keep going. Meds keep having weird side effects. Friends say oh just meditate… Does not work for me.
Right I am mostly feeling like I am coasting down a hill in neutral. I don’t know whether at the bottom I will hit the ramp and fly or crash and burn.
The drugs when they work help a lot. Just need to find the right combo.
Anyway, having a bad night and was hoping for good ideas on how to make the bad ones easier to get through. Because sometimes I think my kids don’t really need me and will be okay.
7 comments
Hello. First of all congratulations for your braveness. I almost never listen parents saying they want to die because they insist on that blah blah blah (kids fulfill their soul completely, my kids are my sunshine,etc). That moral stuff :/
Well…if medicine puts you ok when it works, I suggest you insist on that till you find a person to be with your kids.
For while give you time to evaluate all the options…it’s your life and your death and you can and you should consider all possibilities and how you feel going on with this or that before do sth.
I have a cat and I’m waiting her death to go on with mine. That was my choice!
You should get involved an animal rescue. I have 2 cats and a dog plus foster cats which come and go. Lots of responsibilities for the days when that is the only thing that keeps me here.
Oh and totally agree with throwing the BS flag on kids fill my soul blah blah blah. We are all individuals and should celebrate ourselves as such. Of course some of us aren’t liking the party… 🙁 but that’s a different story
Hey I could have written this post myself. What meds are you on?
In the middle of switching from Depakote to Lithium with Klonopin thrown in to make me sleep.
Depekote is my go to when I am out of control. Has some interesting side effects but it stops the crazy. Never been on lithium. I would drown in a dub of Klonopin given the chance so I don’t allow myself to take it any longer.
it’s true that it’s your life and your choice, and yeah kids aren’t your whole life or your purpose or whatever so I don’t think you can be expected by anyone to spout that nonsense.
but speaking as a kid with divorced parents, 1 of whom would be completely incapable of parenting for a variety of reasons, I would be up a really dangerous creek without a paddle and maybe a couple planks for a boat if my custodial parent up and died. I don’t know how old your kids are or what your ex is like but I would say, at least consider what their lives would be like with only him to take care of them, and the stress/trauma of losing a parent in making a decision.
I hope you get the right med combination and can feel better soon
Amen.