lost

I know I have made seriously idiotic choices while ‘living’ in a zombie-like fog for a very, very long time; I’ve been so lost and absent for what seems like an eternity and I feel horrible for it. I am frozen. And it’s not fair to those around me, who watch as I walk around numb and oblivious. For so long. And I wonder what it all means. And I ruminate endlessly, stuck within my own self-imposed prison. I try to stay positive. I know I have been stronger, that I’m smarter than this, that this isn’t who I really am…or are those lies? So much doubt..I have to constantly ask myself what’s real when so much of it is in my head and I can’t stop wondering…did I fuck up so monumentally that I have caused all of humanity to fall simply by my existence? Am I the weakest link and would the world be alleviated by my disappearance from it? Is it all my fault? I feel the disdain from others strongly…not just propulsion but sheer HATRED towards me. And I don’t know what I did wrong…but I see it in their eyes, in their behavior towards me, as they give me the run around over and over again wherever I go…when they sense my anxiety and that I just want to jump out of my skin to escape the situation…and they leap on that. Even mental health professionals make examples of me…”She had a panic attack? What, were there two people in the room?” They tear into me in group, joining in when others verbally attack me. When I’m frozen in fear and unable to respond. So, I figure, they must be right. They are seething with hate. Because of my self-imposed isolation. Because I’m weak and defenseless. And I take the punches over and over again and after years and years of this I begin to break and fall apart and withdraw further…but I try..so hard. To prove that I’m not whatever I may project myself to be. Still, people see what they see and judge and rape and laugh..and I can’t help but wonder..what’s the point, really? I try to appreciate the beauty of life but can’t take much more of the pain. I’m bleeding out. I’m drowning. I’m vacant. I once told a friend that I felt like I was living a slow suicide, to which she said, “why not just get it all over with at once?” I have no support. My mother steals from me. She has exploited me all of my life. And I think..what kind of person plays mind games with their own children? Then she tells me all about how her mother supports her in all ways, when I’m told there’s no help left for me..So I walk alone from a long day of work in the cold night, down a dark river trail filled by the homeless…and sometimes I truly feel so close to the end of things. And I’m so tired. And alone. But this is all of my own doing. And the only real reason I have to live is to enjoy the small things…the simple pleasures. And this feels selfish. Which brings me to the question…would I be doing the world a favor by eliminating myself from it? I have  nothing to give and all too much to take. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I wonder if someone else might take me and use me to some end…because I am clearly useless as I am. I’m tired of listening to my coworkers call me an idiot to my face. “How can someone be so painfully dumb”? “What a dork, doesn’t get out much.” they say. I sympathize with them and am sorry to be the cause of so much embarrassment. I wish I knew the answer but the truth is I don’t know shit. So I join in on the joke, letting them know that I’m fully aware of my idiocy, and that they should be grateful they aren’t in my shoes. And I can’t help but wonder…why the fuck is it so hard for me to change? Why the fuck can’t I just grow the hell up? And I escape and numb the pain and wake up and repeat the mess all over again.