Anyone up?

I can’t escape these thoughts. Maybe it would be different if they told me from the beginning, “you know, there’s a very good chance that this is something you’re going to have to adapt to, because it might go away but you’re probably going to feel these things at some level until the day you die.” But I feel like I’ve passed the point where I could have adapted or changed my thinking patterns. It’s like an obsession, thinking of suicide.

Everyday, I see the train and watch the light approach the platform. I feel the train push the wind into me before it trembles past, blurring against the graffiti backdrop. The sun might glance through the windows in staggered flashes, or the conductor might lean forward just so, tilting his uniform hat towards the crowd. But I don’t think about the sun or the wind or the heartbeat click clack sound of metal wheels on metal tracks. Instead I think, “Is this train moving fast enough to kill effectively?” or “how many seconds would it take between jumping and impact?” or more generally, “is today the day I jump?”

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of these unwelcome thoughts, reminding me of my shameful desire every time I pass a bridge or a tall building, every time I get on a train. Isn’t it possible that maybe the reason some people feel this way is that their souls just don’t fit with reality? Is it really better for them to live in pain than to die an early death? To work 60 years in misery for the hope that you’ll somehow miraculously find happiness when you retire? Fuck that!

I know I don’t have the answers but I wanted to say that the community here has lifted some of the shame and I do feel a little less alone. I am for the most part an observer on this site, yet feel such a great sense of community and support. It’s strange how strangers can do that. I listen and try to learn. And though I might not write a comment, I do hear you and I want you to know that you are loved and you are brave and you are not alone.