I’m just trying to calm myself.

I can’t stop crying and I can’t sleep.

Strangely, I’m scared that I may have a panic attack. I read somewhere about the low-grade ones where your heart races and you’re scared and your mind turns blank… but now I can’t seem to find information about this.

I’m at such a loss. I don’t know what to do. I feel so scared.

I took a lot of sleep aids again tonight, even though I told myself I wouldn’t. I can’t stop hurting myself.

I think this is probably withdrawal, but looking at the way things have been going so far this year, I’m almost positive that these pills aren’t working. But I’m going to see the doctor on Friday. I feel like I’ll go crazy before then.

Saturday, I have an appointment with a new therapist. She called me this morning and asked me what’s going on, and I told her, but I left out so much stuff lol. I wonder if I tell her all of the other stuff, if she’ll still agree to see me.

But honestly, I don’t want to talk about being molested or raped or anything, because I don’t want to cry anymore and I always cry when I talk about it. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. With two or three therapists in the past, I’ve had to write letters explaining everything that I couldn’t say out loud. Now, I think that is kind of juvenile, maybe? And I should be able to easily talk about things.

Also, I think she will be the first therapist that would know about my rape. I didn’t even tell anyone about it until this year, and it was about 8 years ago.  That ruined so many things.

I want to get better, but I’m just so exhausted. When I felt like this in high school, I would just cut. But I know good and well now that that would just make me feel worse since I realized it’s lost it’s effect the last few times I did it in uni.

I need a break. I was looking at places for a retreat over here, and I found a one that sounds nice in the Hill Country. I don’t know if I’ll go, though. I was intending to go to New York this summer to see Takarazuka with a friend I met a couple of years ago at work, but I deactivated my facebook and have no other way of contacting her, and I don’t see myself reactivating for quite some time. Social media is bad for me.

I promised myself that I would get a pet when I complete those projects that are a month+ late. I would like both a cat and a dog, but that just wouldn’t be smart at the moment. I looked up small dogs that are good for depression (I want a lazy, grown up dog because I think what I’m most in need of is cuddles, as well as something to listen to me ramble at it). But when I search for the same breeds on petfinder, it doesn’t seem like those dogs are very close to me. It seems pit bulls and pit bull mixes are the most abandoned dogs in this area.  I would get a pit bull, but my mother is honestly not so good with animals and my dad straight up hates animals, so I think a small one that will make it’s presence felt as little as possible when I’m not there is the best choice. I’m hoping for a calm, cute little poodle mix.

I really wish that I had someone to talk to that had time for me, but I’m mostly too burdensome or unstable or dumb for that to happen lol. I’m so glad this group exists.

Okay… I think I feel a bit better now. The ache in my chest has died down to about a 3 instead of the full-blown 28++ on a scale of 1-10 it was earlier.

Thanks for reading this long-winded junk. If you really stuck to it until the end, thank you.

I’ve already dropped a rainbow sprinkle cookie and a generous slice of funfetti cake in the post for you.

Oh, and your singing telegram should show up around 645am Friday. <3