Sweetheart, first of all, you’re a great writer! Thank you for contributing this piece to this web site. It’s one of the most moving, well-written pieces I have read here. But, I am so saddened to hear of your situation.
It sounds very much like you have the terrible affliction that is depression. I have that as well. I recall when I went through a divorce in 2003, I lost 35 pounds and almost died. By the time I got on an anti-depressant, I was emaciated, looked horrible and couldn’t think straight. But with some counseling and medication I was back! Please consider getting some help for this, and please DO NOT do anything rash. I am here for you, so whenever you want to reach out, let me know. You are not alone in this. Take care and god bless.
Wow, thanks. I seem to get that compliment a lot here. That I write well. Maybe I should put that to some kind of use, that is, do more than whine about my problems on the Internet.
I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features. I just say psychotic depression. It’s shorter.
I often flip flop between believing that I really am psychotic, and believing that the things I see and hear and feel are actually real. Today I believe that they’re real.
I’m currently on two different antidepressants that seem to work okay. Better than anything I have ever been on before, that’s for sure. It used to be that I was literally, actively searching, every second, for something sharp enough to kill myself with. These pills keep me from constantly trying to end it, but I’m still in the pit. Don’t think there are any pills to fix me. I know that I gotta pull some of the weight myself, but, that’s just it: I’ve been pulling, and hard. People assume that I’m lazy, but I’m actually not. I just can’t get better on my own. I don’t know why that concept is so hard for some people to grasp.
I’ve been on a few antipsychotics, as well. Three, actually. One did nothing, although then again I wasn’t taking the dose recommended to treat psychotic features. The second made me vomit a lot. The third, Geodon, almost killed me. I was on death’s door for three or so days. It’s a sign, I think. I told them that the things I see are real. They didn’t believe me, they said I was sick. They ended up giving me the medicine for people with my supposed sickness, and I come within an inch of death. Must mean I’m not sick.
I’m getting a new therapist soon. So maybe she can help me. I just have trouble opening up. How the Hell do you tell a person this stuff? The kind of stuff that I write, and think, and see, would probably be enough to send any poor intern running for the hills.
Anyway, enough of my pessimism. Thanks for your advice, Rob, and God bless you too.
Thanks, rocketman. But I can’t help anyone. I’m all take and no give. I don’t deserve anyone’s help, because I can’t reciprocate. I wish I could though. I love you all.
You come across as a lovely, sensitive and focused person. I think your history can be of great help to many people! Don’t sell yourself short. You have the unique ability to paint a picture with words. Even if that picture is not very attractive, you should continue. Love you, hang in there.
Dreams can be very strange. Researchers and/or scientists don’t know exactly why we dream, but they do agree that we all do. (It’s thought that many animals experience dreams while sleeping too). I know people in real life who don’t remember their dreams, and they think that they hardly ever dream.
There’s no shortage of theories concerning dreams. The “why”, the symbology, “esoteric meanings”, etc. Maybe dreams are just movies the subconscious mind plays in our fertile imagination while we sleep? Who knows.
Thanks, Morris. And I really do mean that. I appreciate what you said and why you’re saying it, which makes me even more sorry to have to tear it down.
You see, it isn’t just my dreams. I see D, and all of my other imaginary fiends, while I am awake as well. And whether he’s real or not, everything he said about me in the dream was true. So his point still stands.
And if he really is just a product of my imagination or my subconscious, then my subconscious really wants me to die. And probably for a good reason. After all, isn’t my animal mind’s job supposed to keep me alive?
Reminds me of how a virus-infected cell will wave a big neon sign in front of a killer T-cell that basically says “I’m infested! please destroy me!” so that the rest of the body will be saved.
@whiskered-fish, I’m so sorry that this has been happening to you for the better part of a decade.. You’re so strong for putting up with something like that for so long.
*hugs I love you. You aren’t alone here. That’s a fact.
Thanks, Trey. I just want it to stop. But with every birthday, I lose more and more hope that it ever will.
I’ve seen things since the age of seven. Saw D since the age of eleven. Nobody in my life believes me. Even when I was little, I knew they wouldn’t. I never wanted to tell them because I knew they’d say I was faking. Or that the things weren’t real.
Even when I was little, the visions weren’t always friendly. They used to yell at each other, and at me, and make me cry during school. Some of them told me to hurt people. I have never been okay.
And although I’m not alone in a way, because you all know what it’s like to be depressed and suicidal, I have never met another person in all my life who knows what it’s like to live with my particular “psychosis.” Psssh. “Psychosis.” Curse, is what it is. No doctor has ever helped me. If anything they’ve all only made me worse. I’m not sick. It’s something else.
There’s a family legend, kind of, that my dad’s dad’s side of the family used to sacrifice their farm animals as tribute to Satan. Lay curses on family members. You know, normal shit like that. Maybe my estranged grandpa laid some sort of curse on me when I was born. I’m the only grandchild of his he ever bothered to meet. Maybe he decided to give me a parting gift.
Then again, who knows. Maybe all that was just rumor. I can’t say for certain whether any of it is true, but it is a happy coincidence, isn’t it? Kill me.
whiskered-fish,
Not to change the subject, but I was wondering what is the status of your cyst? Have the doctors suggested any course of treatment yet?
It’s more than one cyst. And no, I haven’t gone to see a gynecologist recently. I think (not sure, but…) that the only way they can figure out what to do is to do an ultrasound. And I don’t want that. No sir. I’ll just stick with my pain killers and band-aid solutions, thank you.
One thing I noticed on this project is no one believes in the spiritual world. You don’t have to play with ouija boards to know that this is true. Why are you so mainstream people?!
Everything he says is a lie. Fortunately he can attack you only in dreams. The problem is you have to live with him in your dreams whether you believe him or not. You must find a way to get rid of him. He comes to you because you are very young and impressionable and his lies have bigger chance of success. He’s doing it for the thrill or he wants you to kill yourself. In essence to kill you. Don’t give him any importance.
I’ve met some believers here. They’re few and far between, though.
I think a big reason why most depressives aren’t religious (or even spiritual) is because people seem to have this inexplicable notion that God’s job is to make our earthly lives good and happy. It isn’t. But anyway, to some people, a fucked up world is evidence of the absence of a benevolent God. I don’t get how that works, really, but I try not to judge. Everyone has their own reasons for believing what they do. And so long as they respect me and my beliefs, I’ll respect them and theirs.
Thank you for the advice, passionforalways.
I don’t really know D’s motives. I’ve heard him allude to him “dragging me to Hell”, and I know he tries to get me to kill myself, often.
I try to ignore him and disbelieve him. Some days, it works. Other days, it doesn’t.
I bet that is what he wants. But “he” will be going to hell and you will stay here or go to a better place. And “he” is doing this because, like the rest of his kind, hates human beings.
Sorry I never got to answer this, Cordless. I don’t have much to say, I just wanted to thank you for the cyber hugs, and I hope you’re doing better today.
2 things i was thinking about when reading this.. I’ve always been a spiritual person. And what i found is, it doesn’t matter whether D is physically real or not. It doesn’t matter. His existence to you is real, its strong, and it should be treated as if D is real.
I’ve always had voices in my head. These voices I’ve always known as, angels. The opposite of what you have.. They are only there when i’m awake, and they never go away. If i force them to go away, i start having panic attacks to such a degree.. I cannot handle the lonliness of them not being there. I don’t want them there but i need them.
So back onto you.. What if I told you, I know how to get rid of D? Not that, you’d really want to, because in a way, i think you want him to be there. But i could be wrong about that.
Demons only process power through will. If you let them harass you, they will. But one of these days Kat, I truley hope you’ll walk right up to him, standing up tall, and just say, “D, you no longer have power over me. This is my mind and i no longer welcome your stay here.” You’ll find that in your mind, which is YOUR mind, D has no power over you. None at all. He’s using yourself power against you. Your thoughts, emotions, saddest memories, greatest fears, as a weapon against you. But you can fire back. Give him all of your happiest memories, your greatest joys, your favorite people, your hardest laughs. And no matter what, do not back down. Keep it firing at him, and soon enough eventually, he will be overpowered. And he will shrink in size until you can step on him like an ant. He will be no more, but a past memory.
And when he’s like this, fling him out of the door that is your mind and seal it forever. He will always be trying to come back in, and when he does, overpower him, just as you did before. He will give up eventually.
If this is weird, i agree with you. But we’re past weird now. And i hope it helps, in some way
I’m sorry, Hazy. I wish I could just get better. A lot of people here are really attached to me.
And prayers are probably the only thing that can help me. They’re the only things that’ve ever helped me before. So don’t think of it as “all you can do.” They’re a pretty big deal.
You don’t have to get better, just keep walking forward. You have been stringing days together. Sometimes two or three in a row. You had a day that was good this week. This dream is simply rebound from your good day. That happens in recovery. Keep walking forward. You know what a good day feels like.
And when all else fails I pray. I pray that you get what you need, regardless of what I selfishly want.
Well, okay, maybe I don’t have to get better. But I still want to. I know I’m still very young but I’ve already decided that I don’t want to do this forever.
But I guess the only way to get better is to keep walking forward. Like you said. So I ought to listen to you. Thank you.
He wanted to shove glass down your throat? How are you doing now? It has been a year. Does this still happen to you? This started happening to me only after being on antipsychotics. Everything was normal for me before then.
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23 comments
Sweetheart, first of all, you’re a great writer! Thank you for contributing this piece to this web site. It’s one of the most moving, well-written pieces I have read here. But, I am so saddened to hear of your situation.
It sounds very much like you have the terrible affliction that is depression. I have that as well. I recall when I went through a divorce in 2003, I lost 35 pounds and almost died. By the time I got on an anti-depressant, I was emaciated, looked horrible and couldn’t think straight. But with some counseling and medication I was back! Please consider getting some help for this, and please DO NOT do anything rash. I am here for you, so whenever you want to reach out, let me know. You are not alone in this. Take care and god bless.
Rob
Wow, thanks. I seem to get that compliment a lot here. That I write well. Maybe I should put that to some kind of use, that is, do more than whine about my problems on the Internet.
I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features. I just say psychotic depression. It’s shorter.
I often flip flop between believing that I really am psychotic, and believing that the things I see and hear and feel are actually real. Today I believe that they’re real.
I’m currently on two different antidepressants that seem to work okay. Better than anything I have ever been on before, that’s for sure. It used to be that I was literally, actively searching, every second, for something sharp enough to kill myself with. These pills keep me from constantly trying to end it, but I’m still in the pit. Don’t think there are any pills to fix me. I know that I gotta pull some of the weight myself, but, that’s just it: I’ve been pulling, and hard. People assume that I’m lazy, but I’m actually not. I just can’t get better on my own. I don’t know why that concept is so hard for some people to grasp.
I’ve been on a few antipsychotics, as well. Three, actually. One did nothing, although then again I wasn’t taking the dose recommended to treat psychotic features. The second made me vomit a lot. The third, Geodon, almost killed me. I was on death’s door for three or so days. It’s a sign, I think. I told them that the things I see are real. They didn’t believe me, they said I was sick. They ended up giving me the medicine for people with my supposed sickness, and I come within an inch of death. Must mean I’m not sick.
I’m getting a new therapist soon. So maybe she can help me. I just have trouble opening up. How the Hell do you tell a person this stuff? The kind of stuff that I write, and think, and see, would probably be enough to send any poor intern running for the hills.
Anyway, enough of my pessimism. Thanks for your advice, Rob, and God bless you too.
whiskered-fish, Please i love your honesty! and your post, you are not alone, we must fight together! to over come life’s pit falls! 🙂
Thanks, rocketman. But I can’t help anyone. I’m all take and no give. I don’t deserve anyone’s help, because I can’t reciprocate. I wish I could though. I love you all.
You come across as a lovely, sensitive and focused person. I think your history can be of great help to many people! Don’t sell yourself short. You have the unique ability to paint a picture with words. Even if that picture is not very attractive, you should continue. Love you, hang in there.
Rob
Dreams can be very strange. Researchers and/or scientists don’t know exactly why we dream, but they do agree that we all do. (It’s thought that many animals experience dreams while sleeping too). I know people in real life who don’t remember their dreams, and they think that they hardly ever dream.
There’s no shortage of theories concerning dreams. The “why”, the symbology, “esoteric meanings”, etc. Maybe dreams are just movies the subconscious mind plays in our fertile imagination while we sleep? Who knows.
Thanks, Morris. And I really do mean that. I appreciate what you said and why you’re saying it, which makes me even more sorry to have to tear it down.
You see, it isn’t just my dreams. I see D, and all of my other imaginary fiends, while I am awake as well. And whether he’s real or not, everything he said about me in the dream was true. So his point still stands.
And if he really is just a product of my imagination or my subconscious, then my subconscious really wants me to die. And probably for a good reason. After all, isn’t my animal mind’s job supposed to keep me alive?
Reminds me of how a virus-infected cell will wave a big neon sign in front of a killer T-cell that basically says “I’m infested! please destroy me!” so that the rest of the body will be saved.
@whiskered-fish, I’m so sorry that this has been happening to you for the better part of a decade.. You’re so strong for putting up with something like that for so long.
*hugs I love you. You aren’t alone here. That’s a fact.
Thanks, Trey. I just want it to stop. But with every birthday, I lose more and more hope that it ever will.
I’ve seen things since the age of seven. Saw D since the age of eleven. Nobody in my life believes me. Even when I was little, I knew they wouldn’t. I never wanted to tell them because I knew they’d say I was faking. Or that the things weren’t real.
Even when I was little, the visions weren’t always friendly. They used to yell at each other, and at me, and make me cry during school. Some of them told me to hurt people. I have never been okay.
And although I’m not alone in a way, because you all know what it’s like to be depressed and suicidal, I have never met another person in all my life who knows what it’s like to live with my particular “psychosis.” Psssh. “Psychosis.” Curse, is what it is. No doctor has ever helped me. If anything they’ve all only made me worse. I’m not sick. It’s something else.
There’s a family legend, kind of, that my dad’s dad’s side of the family used to sacrifice their farm animals as tribute to Satan. Lay curses on family members. You know, normal shit like that. Maybe my estranged grandpa laid some sort of curse on me when I was born. I’m the only grandchild of his he ever bothered to meet. Maybe he decided to give me a parting gift.
Then again, who knows. Maybe all that was just rumor. I can’t say for certain whether any of it is true, but it is a happy coincidence, isn’t it? Kill me.
whiskered-fish,
Not to change the subject, but I was wondering what is the status of your cyst? Have the doctors suggested any course of treatment yet?
It’s more than one cyst. And no, I haven’t gone to see a gynecologist recently. I think (not sure, but…) that the only way they can figure out what to do is to do an ultrasound. And I don’t want that. No sir. I’ll just stick with my pain killers and band-aid solutions, thank you.
One thing I noticed on this project is no one believes in the spiritual world. You don’t have to play with ouija boards to know that this is true. Why are you so mainstream people?!
Everything he says is a lie. Fortunately he can attack you only in dreams. The problem is you have to live with him in your dreams whether you believe him or not. You must find a way to get rid of him. He comes to you because you are very young and impressionable and his lies have bigger chance of success. He’s doing it for the thrill or he wants you to kill yourself. In essence to kill you. Don’t give him any importance.
I’ve met some believers here. They’re few and far between, though.
I think a big reason why most depressives aren’t religious (or even spiritual) is because people seem to have this inexplicable notion that God’s job is to make our earthly lives good and happy. It isn’t. But anyway, to some people, a fucked up world is evidence of the absence of a benevolent God. I don’t get how that works, really, but I try not to judge. Everyone has their own reasons for believing what they do. And so long as they respect me and my beliefs, I’ll respect them and theirs.
Thank you for the advice, passionforalways.
I don’t really know D’s motives. I’ve heard him allude to him “dragging me to Hell”, and I know he tries to get me to kill myself, often.
I try to ignore him and disbelieve him. Some days, it works. Other days, it doesn’t.
I bet that is what he wants. But “he” will be going to hell and you will stay here or go to a better place. And “he” is doing this because, like the rest of his kind, hates human beings.
I will probably be going to Hell even without his interference.
I read every word.
I wasn’t bored or disgusted at all; instead I was filled with awe and respect for the courage it must have taken to chronicle this.
I think in a way we’re all fighting demons; some of them just take a more literal form sometimes.
I wish I had advice on how to fight it.
I sort of feel like you do today; I’m in a very dark place and feel incapable of helping anyone, not even myself.
I am sending you cyber-hugs. (and not the kind made of demon worms and mucus).
Sorry I never got to answer this, Cordless. I don’t have much to say, I just wanted to thank you for the cyber hugs, and I hope you’re doing better today.
2 things i was thinking about when reading this.. I’ve always been a spiritual person. And what i found is, it doesn’t matter whether D is physically real or not. It doesn’t matter. His existence to you is real, its strong, and it should be treated as if D is real.
I’ve always had voices in my head. These voices I’ve always known as, angels. The opposite of what you have.. They are only there when i’m awake, and they never go away. If i force them to go away, i start having panic attacks to such a degree.. I cannot handle the lonliness of them not being there. I don’t want them there but i need them.
So back onto you.. What if I told you, I know how to get rid of D? Not that, you’d really want to, because in a way, i think you want him to be there. But i could be wrong about that.
Demons only process power through will. If you let them harass you, they will. But one of these days Kat, I truley hope you’ll walk right up to him, standing up tall, and just say, “D, you no longer have power over me. This is my mind and i no longer welcome your stay here.” You’ll find that in your mind, which is YOUR mind, D has no power over you. None at all. He’s using yourself power against you. Your thoughts, emotions, saddest memories, greatest fears, as a weapon against you. But you can fire back. Give him all of your happiest memories, your greatest joys, your favorite people, your hardest laughs. And no matter what, do not back down. Keep it firing at him, and soon enough eventually, he will be overpowered. And he will shrink in size until you can step on him like an ant. He will be no more, but a past memory.
And when he’s like this, fling him out of the door that is your mind and seal it forever. He will always be trying to come back in, and when he does, overpower him, just as you did before. He will give up eventually.
If this is weird, i agree with you. But we’re past weird now. And i hope it helps, in some way
I’m going to pray you receive guidance. Really that is all I can do that will assist in keeping this at bay and allow you to keep walking forward.
You need a holster for your spatula.
I’m sorry, Hazy. I wish I could just get better. A lot of people here are really attached to me.
And prayers are probably the only thing that can help me. They’re the only things that’ve ever helped me before. So don’t think of it as “all you can do.” They’re a pretty big deal.
You don’t have to get better, just keep walking forward. You have been stringing days together. Sometimes two or three in a row. You had a day that was good this week. This dream is simply rebound from your good day. That happens in recovery. Keep walking forward. You know what a good day feels like.
And when all else fails I pray. I pray that you get what you need, regardless of what I selfishly want.
Well, okay, maybe I don’t have to get better. But I still want to. I know I’m still very young but I’ve already decided that I don’t want to do this forever.
But I guess the only way to get better is to keep walking forward. Like you said. So I ought to listen to you. Thank you.
He wanted to shove glass down your throat? How are you doing now? It has been a year. Does this still happen to you? This started happening to me only after being on antipsychotics. Everything was normal for me before then.