I am 46 years old.
I have a second grade daughter. She is my only joy. Yes, like dad, she has some issues too, but thankfully not too badly at this age (I am diagnosed ADHD, she shows signs, though is not diagnosed). She has been my main reason for staying alive these many years.
I have had a half a dozen jobs in the last year. Either I get laid off, downsized, take a job hoping for a better chance just to find that the present job is no better. I have little idea regarding how to interact and relate to people, and the only jobs that I can get require a great deal of public interaction. I have good reason to believe that I’m at least mildly autistic, but have no means for confirming this “officially.”
If I could, I would spend the rest of my life in school. That’s the only place that I have had incredible success (a Masters degree years ago) though my personality issues and other factors came in the way of an academic career. At my age that’s water under the bridge. I’ve tried the shrinks. I’ve tried religion/”true Christianity,” only to conclude that if there is a God, he is not what the religious people describe. I have tried the twelve-step thing, which, in my town, is little more than a crazy cult–I know that most of the people in these groups are doing their best to be helpful, but so are the Jehovah’s Witnesses or Moonies, and I’m not going to go running to them either.
Hope does arise from time to time, though, and perhaps I need to remind myself more often of what I need to be grateful for. I have edited this post for paranoid, negative, or unsubstantiated views on my part, only to find that things are not as bad as I may have thought. Thanks for helping me put things in perspective.
11 comments
I’m almost at my end as well. Sorry that you are going through this 🙁
Perhaps marriage counseling could help? Was there an event or series of events that upset the marriage?
Have you checked what resources in your community might be available? Perhaps a Social Services agency can provide some information.
I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation. Ultimately, only you could know what is the best thing for you to do, and I’m not about to tell you that you’re making the wrong decision.
But one thing you said here stood out to me. You mentioned that you ought to kill yourself now, while your daughter views you positively.
Now, I’m not your daughter. All parent-child relationships are different, and your daughter might not think the same as I do. But in many ways, a child’s love for their parent isn’t as shallow and conditional as the love one might find in a romantic p@rtner, a friend, or even a sibling.
For example. My own father is a lot of things. He was a teenager when I was born, and I suspect that he wasn’t thrilled to have been a father at that time. When I was growing up, he was constantly in-and-out of prison and the mental ward. He left my mother when I was young, and for several years I only ever heard from him over the phone on holidays, if then. He used to abuse drugs, now he drinks. His drinking lands him in the hospital on a regular basis. Even now, although I know he loves me, he’s not the best at showing his love, because his personality disorder gets in the way. Our relationship has been rocky.
My dad isn’t perfect. But in spite of all the things I mentioned above, I still love him, so much. And a few months ago, when he was in the hospital, on the brink of death, his organs shutting down one after the other, I thought the grief would kill me. My world was crumbling. I was on my knees, begging God not to take him away.
Some kids hate their parents, that is true. But I am not so sure that your daughter will hate you once she learns that, like all human beings, you have flaws.
I’ve read numerous stories on here about people whose parents killed themselves. One in particular reminds me of what you said here in your post.
It was a man talking about how his father had a mental illness, and went out into the woods to poison himself for a few of the same reasons that you’ve described. The author of this post then went on to describe how he found the body, how the grief paralyzed him and shattered him to pieces, and how much he wished his father had stayed. It was a heartbreaking thing to read. One of several similar stories that I have read. And I can’t help but feel like your daughter will feel the same heartbreak.
The point of me telling you all of this wasn’t to make you feel guilty. I don’t want you to hate yourself for what you’re about to do. Again, I’ll never know your situation like you do, and therefore I’ll never be able to tell you what you should do.
I just needed to tell you all of that, because mental illness can cloud our judgement, and I want you to know that it’s possible that your daughter would probably rather have a flawed father who is alive than a father who is dead.
I agree with Whiskered Fish. My father is ill right now from an incurable disease. We don’t know how much longer he will be around with us. The thing about my dad is… he’s always pushed through everything. And now he finally has a disease… that’s eventually going to kill him. And I don’t know how to deal. So… I’m just telling you as a daughter who could very well lose her father soon, Please Don’t do it. Your daughter loves you and she needs you for as long as she can have you. Even if it doesn’t seem like it. I hope you start to feel better.
Just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone in your agony and frustration at lack of achievement.
Hey schade,
I’m 50 and felt the same way. Exactly… Had two children and couldn’t stand the thought of them having a Father like me. Depressed for years… My whole life actually. My wife wound up leaving me. Never been the same since. I have no purpose now… Been (6) years, still can’t find another purpose. Anyway, I held off killing myself years ago because I saw other people, children love their Father even when their father was mental or, or… FAst forward…
My kids are 20 and 16 now. The 20 y/o doesn’t much care for me. Told me “you’re not a very good parent” a couple of months ago. Just kinda out of the blue. Hurt like @#$% to hear him say that. My daughter loves me, and she is old enough to understand that I’m just not cut out for this world. She is very sad about my recent decision to end my life, but understands. She has seen my pain. My parents took a while to convince. But they finally understand. My Brother hates that I’m doing this but is not standing in my way, so to speak. In fact, his daughter killed herself last night. He spoke to me a few hrs ago and and said, “she just didn’t want to be here any more, I get it”. (kinda why I came on here today).
I was okay for several years when I got married, had children, bla bla bla. I was in corporate sales, made good money, hated every day of it. but I had a purpose, providing…I’m now driving around in a service truck as a HVAC service tech. Don’t hate it but, I’m just existing… numb all the time. No friends… Kids here every other week. I don’t think they want to be here.
Damn, I’m all over the place, rambling.
Look, if you’ve tried meds, therapy… and nothing works. Then I’m with you. But if you haven’t, time to get crackin! It helps some people. It hasn’t helped me enough but it does help some.
I’m going to make it look like an accident by the way. For my family.
From a kid, please don’t do it. Sometimes I dislike my father(because I’m a teen). But even when I fight with him I love him in the end. I wouldn’t still be alive if he died. At least try to hold out until your daughter is grown up, for her sake. I probably don’t understand how much pain you are in, but from a kid, please live for your daughter’s sake.
This pains me so much reading this.
I personally hated my dad for such a long time. He used to hit my mom, manipulate my siblings and I, tried to kill himself multiple times, always in and out of jobs. And now, I cannot picture my life without him. I inherited his mental illnesses, from both my mom and dad, but because we have this in common, he has come to my rescue many times. He knows what I’m going through and how to help me. It’s hard to find that for me. I love him so much, regardless of our past. I saw my dad as a monster and now he’s my hero. Your daughter will need you one day, a girl ALWAYS needs her dad.
If I had to be honest, my parents divorce was the best thing that could have happened for our family. Kids can tell when there’s something going on, and it hurts. A lot. My dad found himself again after the divorce. He struggles now, lives with a friend, still in and out of jobs, doesn’t get to see my siblings and I much but he’s such a better man now. It’s incredible.
I currently am in therapy and a dbt group (behavioral therapy). It’s a treatment to learn very effective skills to cope with what we do. I would highly recommend looking for something like that near you, or I would love to teach you everything I have learned so far. AA meetings are free as well, and it doesn’t have to do with just substance abuse, it’s a safe place for those who are seeking help. Please look into it.
I honestly wouldn’t be here without my dad. He’s the parent I have always needed. Even though I had to wait until I was 21, I appreciate and love him more than ever because of his flaws. We are there for each other. What else could I ask for?
Please, please, live.
If I were you, I would imagine the future when you find yourself in that dark place. Walking your daughter down the isle, watching her graduate, picking on her first boyfriend. Who would do those things for her if you weren’t around? Picture those moments as life worth living goals. Strive for those moments that haven’t happened yet.
This broke my heart reading this. As a daughter who has lost her father many times, I can say that life is long and with any time I have with my dad, is worth it. I’d rather have my dad than not regardless of our past.
& Good luck.
Thank you for the helpful comments, which have given me pause.
Im pretty much in the same boat as you.
I’m in a better frame of mind now. One thing that keeps me from doing anything drastic is that I know that my ups and downs are extreme, and that I will eventually even out. And yes, I am largely a victim of my own bad choices, but knowing that does not make my situation any easier.
I think that I will stick around and try to stay out of trouble. Thanks!