The evil in me constantly gnaws at my mind. It’s not that I’m afraid I’m going to act on it (even if I had the capacity to), at least not in any real way. It’s that part of me wants to, and that’s one of the few things that feels good. The evil feels good. The rest of me doesn’t. The part of me that’s more moral doesn’t feel good. It’s just sad, and tired, and full of shame. And awareness of the evil provides endless fuel for that shame & self-hatred. Every bad thing I could ever have thought about myself is proved true by those evil desires, and the ways I’ve responded to them in the past.
I have the traits of Avoidant Personality Disorder. Which primarily seem to be based on fear of rejection, social judgement, and poor self-esteem. You assume that others will hate you as you hate yourself, so you withdraw, you isolate, you avoid social contact as much as you can. The things is, I’ve developed the ultimate reinforcement for that way of thinking. I’ve become someone I know people will despise. And that gets constantly reinforced by society. Every day, I get the message that people like me should kill themselves. And I can’t disagree. I have this evil within me. I know it’s wrong. But at the same time, it’s the only thing that feels good.