Life sucks. Why do bad things always happen to good people? I am a good person. I have ALWAYS had it hard. My mom was a psycho who abused me and the courts did nothing until I was 15 and by then what was the point? I had my first daughter when I was 17 and got married early and had a family by the time I was old enough to drive. I’ve always struggled but managed to somehow scrape by.
Things have always been rough but I’ve hung in there and just clung on to some kind of hope. I’ve busted my butt and been there for my kids no matter what. I’ve lived through my dad’s suicide and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and trying a million different medicines. Obviously the ones I’m on now don’t work. I’ve dealt with my first husband’s drug addiction and then our divorce and started all over again. I even lived through a hurricane and lost everything!! I’ve dealt with abusive boyfriends, cheaters, liars- you name it. I’ve dealt with issues with the kids- how to pay for school supplies, tutors, daycare, bullies, teacher drama, earaches, chicken pox- you name it.
It seems like every time I take a breath and land on my feet something knocks me right back down. I met my husband about 4 years ago and we settled into a semi-normal life and things were okay. We were living paycheck to paycheck but we were getting by. Then our van broke down. We had it towed to the mechanic that the tow company used and the guy said it was the timing. It took my entire paycheck (at rent time, no less) to fix it. Once the timing was fixed, he says it is now the engine. I didn’t have the money to fix it, so the van became his- I had to sign the title over and we had to move out of our house. The big kids are living with their grandparents (my ex-husband’s parents who hate my guts and are loving every minute of my misery) and the two babies are stuck with me and the husband at a motel. This place is SO expensive. We are never going to get out of here. It takes my entire paycheck to pay the weekly bill here. There’s no way I’ll be able to save up for the first month’s rent and deposit at an apartment or trailer. My ex’s mom is giving us a ride to work every day but who knows how long THAT is going to last. Every day I feel like my job is in danger. I can’t even eat, which is kind of a blessing because I’m at least saving money on food. The babies have been eating off the dollar menu at McDonald’s every night. I am such a failure of a parent. I miss my big kids. They miss me. They don’t understand. I’m the same as the homeless people under the bridge. Having a job is a double edged sword because we have income which is great but we don’t qualify for any of the state help that the offer to the homeless people in town. I’ve had this job for 6 years and I don’t want to quit. I am such a nerd and I don’t have any friends so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.
I just feel helpless and hopeless. School is starting in a week. I don’t even have an address to register the kids. I think ex husband’s parents want to keep the big kids. They think I’m unfit anyway because I’m bipolar and they’ve never liked me, even when I was married to their son- but especially since I’ve divorced him. Well, they have a pretty good court case now if they want to call Childrens Services since I’m homeless. If I don’t have my kids, I don’t have anything to live for. They are my family. My mom is out of the picture. My dad is dead. I was so mad at him when he died but now I think I can understand the hopelessness. God what am I gonna do….
3 comments
I just read your post, and, yes, you certainly have endured a lot, especially for someone as young as you (if your login name indicates your age) While I cannot solve your problems, I can almost guarantee there will be a time you will look back, as you have already, and wonder “how in the world did I ever get through that?” and you will actually be able to take some pride in what you have accomplished. I know from personal experience that the depression and suicidal feelings I have had in the past (when I was 28) and which have recurred a few times since, ALWAYS give way to some sort of appreciation for life, and a gradual (dammit, why can;t it be instantaneous) recovery from the depressed, hopeless, miserable feelings about this “stinking” life. I wish you well, and sincerely hope some decent events in life come your way. Ken
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Owens_Thompson
I remembered her timing chain broke. It’s shameful to have someone steal your car like that.
So things didn’t turn out ideal for her, but they got better…you don’t sound like you want to die. You sound tired. I don’t have any ideas other than that if your children are cared for by someone you can care for yourself. And you deserve that. You may need somebody to tell you that it’s alright to just take care of yourself. Get yourself back together and pick up the pieces.
I’m proud that you’ve tried very hard, and hope you keep trying.
You seem like such an intelligent person! If only you could get a proper oppurtunity to do something great with your life… I’m hoping for the best for you.