I have hit a dead end. I don’t have the strength. I have been crying recently so much, my eyes look like as if I am having an allergic reaction. In a nutshell I have authoritarian racist judgmental parents that abuse me verbally, even at the age of 19; I finally found my soulmate but instead of being happy I have doubts in my head and he can be mean sometimes; I hate myself, I have zero confidence, I believe I am worthless and that no one cares about me. For the first time ever I cut my leg twice within the past months. I don’t have the strength to type everything out thats in my heart but all I know is that I feel like drowning myself. I just want to be the old me again, happy and not overthinking. Most of the time I feel empty.
Please help, crying all the time hurts my chest and head.
3 comments
We’re in the same boat. I used to be fun and outgoing, I used to be the life of a group and party but now I’m a former shell of what I once was. All the bullying, the family problems and then losing my friends was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Now I can’t even defend myself because of the scars that I experienced when fighting back. I became a doormat and afraid to throw a single punch. I wish I could but being punished for doing the right thing and my parents playing favorites with their children (I would be punished no matter what the circumstances, even if I didn’t do anything wrong) has made me into a rebellious child first but later instilled in me the fear of fighting back against people who wronged me. It TOOK me YEARS to let it out and fight against my bullies at school but being bullied at WORK made it worse. I fought back against those bullies at work but in the end not a damn thing happened.
Now I’m afraid to throw a punch or even fight back with words because I’m afraid of the consequences. What’s worse is that my parents always side against me rather than their own child. It really makes me angry when I think all about it. They act goody-two shoes now towards after seeing what I’ve become and has tried to make amends but it has made my psyche and early development damaged because of them. Whatever they do, they can never take away and change what they’ve done to me. I may be considered upper middle class in my country but I’d trade all those material things away for every bit of self-respect, dignity and being treated right.
same thing here. what I wouldn’t give for it to be a year ago before everything started falling apart and I could be the old me again. I’ve cried more this last month than I have the last twenty years or more.
Alex, it’s absolutely not true that you are worthless. Everyone is a human being which deserves to be treated fair and well. You just feel like that because you’ve been abused. But Alex, look – these people DO NOT valid your existence and they DO NOT state who you are. You are a living creature, with feelings and a unique personality. Your life hasn’t been great but please, believe me that you are not alone in the pain you feel. You’re not the only one whose parents suck at parenting. They just “created” you but it doesn’t mean that they have any right to determine who you are and who you are not. I’ve been a member of this site for 2.5y now and when I joined, I thought that I was alone. This site made me feel less lonely and I understood that my condition has many external causes. It’s not easy to see it every day but I believe that you will feel better if you know that you have some fellas from all around the world supporting you.
I’m so sorry that you are hurting. Have you tried any tranquilizers? They are a temporary solution but they may help you cope with the day-to-day struggles. I recommend trying hydroxizine, it’s a mild medicine but works very well, and has almost no side effects (except being thirsty and drowsy at first).
If you want to contact me, here’s my e-mail: vorkonzert[at]gmail[dot]com
Best wishes.