Over it..

I don’t know how much longer I want to really be alive. To be honest, I am okay, I am hanging by a thread and doing my best to be content. Overall, I feel so alone and in the dark, my urges to self harm are being blocked by the fact of if someone I am close with found out that I started cutting again- they would be crushed. I care about them deeply and want them to be happy. I feel like I don’t make them happy and that I weigh them down. I know they care about me but.. I just can’t put my self in a place where they actually enjoy my company – I stress them out because I am trying to find a place for myself and support myself. I know that they must like me to a certain extent- I mean sheesh we are together. I don’t understand.. I over think every little thing and then- feel depressed because I beat myself up emotionally for the things I choose to over think. I am running so many thoughts in my head.. I just want out- I can’t be in this world. I am a dark soul with no energy or life- I barely smile because I am actually happy. I stay here because- I know there are few who care and would be crushed to found out I gave up.. But the other part of me is not really wanting to be here and I don’t even know why I am here to begin with. I have been beaten down and put down. I am emotionally numb.. I don’t know.. I am at a loss. I tend to stay in this world for whatever reason I am subconsciously thinking about but then I can’t even explain it half the time of why I even try.. I pushed out a lot of family and I stand alone – My family did betray me and make me feel small- so it ultimately was for the best.. I am stuck- I guess I haven’t found my true reason as to why I am here yet.. I attempt and then ask for help- I can’t make up my mind anymore. I just want to be okay again- not an emotional roller coaster – I wonder what’s wrong with me..