How do you deal with the sheer fucking sadness of it all? I’m tired of trying to numb my awareness of it. There’s so much potential for good in the world that just gets crushed, for the stupidest random reasons. How do you make yourself ok with that? Without on some level denying that these are real people, with hopes and dreams. That they are you, just a little further down the road. It’s such a fucking shame, all of it. Such a waste. And there’s so little any of us can do about it.
How do you make yourself ok with that, without living in denial? I’ve never worked out a healthy way to deal with sadness, grief, loss, regret. To deal with the fact that this world isn’t made for us, and we’re clinging on to it with fingernails that will inevitably break.
21 comments
I really mean this.
You answered your own question with the best possible (or perhaps, the only possible) answer.
“And there’s so little any of us can do about it.”
There’s a reason why some people, when they find out they have terminal cancer, erupt into euphoria. Because, there is very little to nothing they can do about it !
Let that knowledge set you free 🙂 There’s a lot of hidden power in that lack of control.
I guess it’s very hard for me to believe that emotionally, even if I know it intellectually. I keep feeling like I should have done something – or should be doing something. I guess that speaks to a host of issues around control, and exaggerated expectations of my own capabilities. I somehow feel I should be able to save the world, despite being patently incompetent at running my own affairs.
Then, you are run by your ego, which is how most of the world operates – perfectly normal. The ego creates a world of illusion, and consequently, a world of suffering.
“If only I hadn’t said that to her, she wouldn’t have left me.”
“If only I hadn’t been so confrontational at work, they wouldn’t have let me go.”
Sound familiar to you ?
The ego loves to think it has/had control over something. That’s how it strengthens its identity – I’m an important person, I should be able to do something about it.
It is a very humbling and empowering realization that you have very little control over your life, much less the world. Think of the world as a big movie with a few main stars and a hell of a lot of extras. You, like me and most everyone else, are extras. We don’t always get to save the Earth from an asteroid or grab the heroine’s ass.
Focus on what you can do … don’t burden yourself with the world’s problems. Life is hard enough even without doing that.
I feel really sad for Trump protesters. They are the ultimate shining example of people who have the illusion of control.
I’m not a Trump supporter nor am I a protester (I’m indifferent … I don’t care who gets to be the hero in the movie) … I’ve got more important things to concern myself with.
I find it very hard to be ok with the idea of myself as an ‘extra’. I’m sure it is an ego thing, but I’m not sure how to let go of that while continuing to live, and invest what I actually can do with meaning. I struggle to see it as ’empowering’, when that word usually means an increased capability to do something desirable.
I think many of those protesting Trump see it as simply doing the little they can do. Most probably don’t believe it will overturn his presidency, but are just signalling their disapproval of his policies, because they feel it’s their moral duty.
If you were planning on sticking around, would you still be indifferent?
Yes, be careful with the meaning of “empowering”. It doesn’t mean the power to rule the world, it has a far subtler/deeper meaning … it means the realization can set you free of the suffering that is your prison. And, once you are free of the suffering, you will have the life energy you need to do whatever it is you are passionate about (limited by whatever you CAN control). That life energy to live a peaceful and rewarding life is the “power” in “empowering”. Now, isn’t that desirable ? 🙂
If I was planning on sticking around, I would have even less time to think about politics … I’d be too busy doing the things I love 🙂
As far as how you can let go – each person has his own path. For me, the breaking point was simply when I decided I had suffered enough to keep believing I had control. I was also lucky enough to come across (or maybe it was destined) the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen. I can’t say I’m 100% free of the ego, but maybe 80%.
As far as the Trump protesters, let’s leave that at agreeing to disagree 🙂
I think maybe my difficulty is in distinguishing what I’m passionate about that isn’t in some way bound up with my ego. I think it provokes too much resistance in me: if I let go, what then?
What if doing the things you loved was threatened by a malignant narcissist with his finger on the nuclear button?
I think this discussion is going up a notch to the next level, which is great. So, what I have to say may sound abstract but I think you’re ready to hear it, because you made the correct observation that passion sounds like ego.
I would not have used the word passion, normally, but to most people, that’s what makes sense. So, I worded it that way.
Now, what I meant was … do whatever you enjoy doing on the level of form (material physical world) without seeking an identity or some sort of deep/lasting fulfillment in it … because nothing in the world of form is permanent … things are constantly changing and being born or dying, so nothing can guarantee your happiness for very long, if at all. Only your true/essential self is eternal. The body/mind are not.
When you do something without caring about the outcome, it becomes like play, as opposed to work. If a political protest is what brings you joy, by all means, do it. But, don’t hinge your inner state on the outcome of what you do (this goes back to control). Do it with the full acceptance that your preferred outcome may not occur, and that it doesn’t determine who you are (a success/failure, etc) … then, there’s no ego involved.
That is the difference between egoic doing (work) and simple non-egoic doing (play). Hope I made some sense. Some of this stuff is hard to phrase.
That makes some sense. I suppose there’s very little in my life that I actually enjoy on a purely physical/sensational level. I think the vast majority of what I experience as ‘enjoyment’ is generated from a subconscious investment in some kind of outcome, likely or unlikely. Without that, there’s just the mainly negative sensations my body generates.
I’m not sure what you mean by true/essential self, but I don’t think I believe that anything is eternal. Possibly energy, in a diffuse state, but I don’t think that bears any relation to what we traditionally label a self – no experience, no distinguishing features.
As to Trump, there’s ego, and then there’s EGO. The man clearly has no capacity for reflection, self-examination, or concern for others.
Great ! I think I know what I want to say next.
On a purely physical/sensory level, how about listening to music ? Watching a sunset or other forms of nature ? Exercise ? Sex ? Drawing/painting ?
When it’s purely physical/senory, it’s all about the NOW/present moment. THAT is true play ! You don’t care what happens in the next hour. You’re enjoying it NOW.
When the outcome matters, you are not in the now, your mind is projecting into the future. That’s egoic. The ego loves to project into the future because its strength/identity hangs in the balance. It uses the now as a stepping stone to get to the (imaginary) future. There is no such thing as future, except in our minds.
We suffer greatly because we’re constantly living for some imaginary future moment, so we constantly miss the now. That is also called stress and anxiety, among other things … running towards an imaginary future that is impossible to predict the form of.
True/essential self is a bit more abstract and complicated to put into words – the one consciousness that manifests itself through all forms (us, for example), some people call it “God” (yes, that means that each one of us is God), the greater intelligence that orchestrates thousands of involuntary bodily functions, etc.
Trump – We agree on that one point 🙂 How can you amass billions and be a president without an ego ? That, in the spiritual world, is called being “unconscious” or “lost”. Great observation ! I like how you described him.
Hmmm…I think to some extent, even my enjoyment of music is bound up with certain ideas about the world related to ego. I don’t think it’s just down to me liking the particular sounds.
Sex for me at this point is more about the ego than enjoying the sensations, as fucked up as that is. My enjoyment of exercise is largely bound up in a feeling of control. I don’t really enjoy art I’m afraid. Sunsets are nice though 🙂
I agree with most of what else you’re saying. It’s just that by letting go of the ‘egoic thrill’ and the inherent suffering bound up with ideas of the future, often all I’m left with is the unpleasantness of the present. Being in the ‘now’ is difficult.
I believe that what we traditionally term consciousness is a process, rather than a manifestation. I think it’s what brains do – it’s a product. As the brain decays, atrophies, and gives way to entropy, so consciousness comes to an end. I believe intelligence, organisation, structure, are all byproducts of randomness, rather than manifestations of anything conscious. How screwed up would such a consciousness have to be, to manifest such a world?
“How screwed up would such a consciousness have to be, to manifest such a world?”
That’s a great question !
Part of the answer is … the consciousness only gives us a canvas on which to paint … it gives us life, and the opportunity to create. We cannot blame it for all of our (mankind’s) destructive actions.
Consciousness did not create a screwed up world. It created a world. We destroyed it, because of our unconsciousness (the opposite of consciousness) … i.e. we did not appreciate the consciousness that gave us life … we wanted more (ego).
So, it is not the consciousness that is responsible for a “screwed up” world. Rather, it is our unwillingness to be conscious (free of ego) that is responsible.
🙂
I believe that what we choose to create is based upon the manner in which the human mind has evolved . Which is a product of a process that would ultimately have been manifested by any ‘higher’ consciousness.
So if we wanted to locate ultimate responsibility for mankind’s destructive actions, it would be there. Although that would presume that such a ‘higher consciousness’ was not itself a product of some other process beyond it’s control.
Anyway, that’s enough philosophizing. Bed time for me 🙂
“What if doing the things you loved was threatened by a malignant narcissist with his finger on the nuclear button?”
Then, great ! That has already happened in my life 🙂 I am no longer able to do anything I love.
It wasn’t a nuclear button … more like computer mouse buttons.
And, I wouldn’t call that person a malignant narcissist, just someone who is unconscious (ruled by his ego).
P.S. I would also call that person my savior. Because his unconscious actions led me to self-realization. His actions took away pretty much everything my ego was identified with – my job, my money, my gym membership, my home, my car, my ability to bathe in extravagant luxuries I never needed, my stupidity 🙂
I saw a woman today who broke my heart. I could see destruction wrapping its steely claws around her, and she both knew it and didn’t at the same time. Like it was a feared inevitability, rather than the reality about to constrict her freedom and her choices and her hope. I could see it and it broke my spirit. I wanted to save her but it was like watching a movie about a baby seal about to be clubbed to death. Powerless. I wanted to give her every dime I had, but she wasn’t homeless. . . yet.
I could see the claws closing together like fingers. It was horrible. And the only thing I could think of was giving her money. But that was no help, no lasting, real help. Is there any help, really?
Quite a dialogue. Takes me back to a time, very recently relatively speaking, when I was less caught up in “society”, and also much less stressed and anxious. It was a calm place of reflection and learning. Sigh. Thank you both for these thoughts and ideas.
🙂
This is all I think and mull over lately. I just want you both to know that I actually bookmarked this specific post to read later. 🙂 Too tired to think more now though.
🙂
well. I read this. Now I will go help my dad put up a mailbox. Such is Tao for a modern Sufi mystic, from New York with an ego the size of the perfect infinite self he knows himself to be. Or somesuch. 🙂