I don’t believe I have multiple personalities. I’m not Jekyll/Hyde, however much I may feel like it. It’s all ‘me’. But different parts of me want irreconcilable things, and neither is content when the others in charge.
Part of me just wants to be a complete asshole – using everyone for my own ends, without thinking about anyone’s feelings. The other part wants to be a decent person – even if it’s for selfish reasons. It wants to be someone who can really be honest with others, without having to hide the terrible truth.
When asshole me is in charge, the short term highs that it enjoys are always ruined by guilt and a feeling of apathy. The suppressed part of me wants something more meaningful, and sees how dysfunctional and hollow it all is.
When ‘trying to be decent’ me is in charge, the other part is always there, waiting for the opportunity to take control again. And sooner or later I’ll give in. It’s too tempting not too. I’ll get tired and depressed and my brain will just flip.
I wish I could just be one thing. Either a hedonistic sociopath or a genuinely decent and worthwhile person. Instead I keep flipping between the two, which means that no part of me is really content or effective. I’m trying to be too many irreconcilable things, and it gets me nowhere. But neither part is strong enough to really take control. Neither really defines me. The ‘decent’ part of me is more conscious, but it’s no more representative of who I am than the other. I’m constantly torn between.
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one of the voluntary reasons i elected not to have friends/contact with people or stuff in general,
granted some of the involuntary reasons might have caused the result equally so, but at times i can’t be sure of either, despite the mild comfort it can provide telling myself “i chose this” even if the other half vomits at the partial lie.
i suppose the decent half don’t mind settling for a cage knowing the other half wont hurt anyone, even if the prison isn’t what one would have hoped for..
perhaps this is why i feel attracted to stories/movies where the guy turns the “gun” on himself when is about to turn to the monster, the “noble” action better than the alternative
thought the ending of 30days of night was very beautiful, too bad i’m not “allergic” to the sun, would be so easy
Yes, it’s part of why I feel so hesitant to get involved with anyone. I think even my ‘decent’ half minds settling for a cage though, when I see life going on without me beyond the bars. That’s the part that really gets hurt.
I know what you mean about the ‘noble monster suicide ‘ trope in media. I feel very drawn to that idea too. It seems to come up a lot with vampires. Being Human (uk version) did it very well.
Sometimes i wonder if we are all just hedonistic sociopaths at our core. That maybe the decent people we all try to be is a false identity. Thats its all just learned responses and behavioral training growing up. That we just convince ourselves that we are something better than what we really are.
My hedonistic sociopath approves of this line of thinking. 🙂
The reason why we have rules is to curtail our hedonistic sociopath desires. Imagine if no rules existed on speeding, cheating or killing people? How many people would *not* speed? Granted, many of us would still not kill, but we would all be breaking some kind of law if there weren’t any laws. That’s the reason why we have laws, enforcement, and punishment, because humans cannot control their desire to do hedonistic, selfish, self-motivating, and dark desires.
Haha that kind of merges this topic with your post. Its the people that are willing to ignore those rules that get ahead in life.
Isn’t that sad? That’s why I hate the human race. We are evil and should be eliminated from the face of the Earth.
Haha yea we are evil but most of us imprison our evilness and try to be something better. Which just lets the evil ones who never try to be good control everything anyway.
Isn’t that most people? Isn’t that why we have the good angel character on one shoulder and the bad red devil character on our other shoulder? And sometimes we can’t decide which one to listen to. Most people, heck, everyone, has got some good and bad, and we’re always having to choose what to do. Granted, some people may have more problems than some in deciding which moral route to take, but I think in general all humans have a mix of good and bad. Yes, it is easier to either be stubbornly pious, or sociopathically evil.
Maybe. I think with me it’s not so much that I can’t decide which one to listen to. It’s that I listen to one until it makes me so miserable that I flick back to the other. One part actually wants to think about things, and the other doesn’t really want to think at all.
_darkness, too me it’s more like the angel sitting on the shoulder “i know it’s wrong morally and otherwise and so on, and it even makes me fell bad or repulses me”, yet, the little red devil doesn’t settle for sitting on the shoulder but takes over me completely instead and i claw your face, rip your flesh and tear your body, mind and soul apart, and momentarily revel in it as it happens while the frenzy and bloodlust lasts
it’s not so much “ha, wouldn’t it be funny if i punched that guy in the face, or said something naughty/antagonizing, or snatched this fruit roll up without paying, even if it’s wrong”,
and more: “that guy annoys me, i’m gonna burn his house to the ground, bring his entire civilization and existence to ashes and take everything he has ever known from him and to pieces, just because”, instinctively, in a flash it will be done, at least start, and if it need be it will continue until the little red devil is satisfied with “just” sitting on the shoulder again.. for now
i’d happily enjoy the little moral angel and devil sitting on the shoulder, if that was all they were
heck, give me devil powers. there is no gain in being good. i wish i had awesome devil powers, hehe.
Here goes nothing 🙂
Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Your flipping and conflict between the two identities screams of being totally consumed by ego. Your two opposing identities are 100% egoic creation. And, one day, the ego wants one thing and the next day, it wants the other, totally at the mercy of external circumstances and/or internal feelings/emotions.
To give you an analogy, you have given your feelings/emotions a remote control, and your inner state is completely ruled by which buttons happen to get pressed. That is why you have no stability in your life, no peace. You have no control.
You cannot solve this problem, that was created by being totally lost in ego, at the same level of consciousness. You have to step back from it (from the mind, ultimately) and not take everything it says seriously. Otherwise, you will keep see-sawing between such polarities of feelings/emotions/identities. At the very least, stepping back will get you off the roller coaster or seesaw, to a more stable place.
Surely, you know that there are more options for you than just the extremes of that polarity you mentioned. But, your ego has put a blindfold on you. You are seeing in black and white. You are missing the colors in between.
Hey did you paint that avatar pic?
Sunflower, no, I found that image on Google. I searched for something like “sad face” 🙂
I saw a comment of yours from yesterday where you talked about doing a lot of paintings within a few months. Reminded me of Vincent Van Gogh, whose story I read recently. He did nearly all his publicly known work in his final two years before death – something like two thousand paintings, if I remember correctly !
Yup. Except I made it back to sanity with both ears intact.
I’m in moderation. Wtf.
Love VG! I made it back to sanity with both ears intact. It’s a terrifying ride, mania. But I do get some amazing artwork out of it. Plus I write and write like a crazy person.
You made it back to sanity with both ears intact. Great.
So, you only lost one eye and three fingers, then ?
And my virginity. Let me know if you find that laying around anywhere.
Sold it to an Emir in Qatar for $1,000,000.00. Sorry.
😛
Heh, thanks for continuing to try 🙂
I accept the first part, but as we’ve discussed previously, we have different concepts of what ‘mind’ is. I’m not sure how I could go about stepping back from the mind. What would be doing the stepping back? And I guess you’ll say ‘consciousness’. But I’m not sure how that’s different. Put another way, I don’t know how to not take something the mind says seriously without first thinking about it. And the way I think about it fluctuates with my mood. How do you approach something with a perspective not based on a certain way of thinking about things?
You’re welcome 🙂
First of all, whenever we talk about anything spiritual, language can never be adequately precise. Words function more as pointers. Because spiritual stuff is less concrete and far deeper. Language operates well on a more superficial level.
That said, when I talk of stepping back, I mean that you simply don’t get lost in your mind. Use your mind for tasks, of course, but don’t let it take you along for the ride every moment of every day.
I know it’s possible, because I’ve been able to do it, and so have many other people. It may not be a permanent thing; it comes and goes, but it introduces space in your life … gaps in the thought stream. It gives you a respite from the burden of suffering.
It is not something that can be easily described like a chicken stew recipe … step 1, step 2, etc. It is something that has to originate from within you. You need to see the insanity in your seesawing between emotions and being totally lost in them. Only then will change arise. That is why I said previously that I cannot convince you of this.
Consciousness is just your awareness of what is – and no, awareness is not another thought. It is what lets you perceive the thought. Just notice that it is occurring. Not conceptualizing it.
Think of when you go outside and you see a tree and the leaves fluttering in the wind. Those first few milliseconds, *before* your noisy mind gets involved and starts labeling it “That’s a tree. Wow, it must be windy today – 10 mph from the NW. Wind chill – 2 deg C”
What is it that lets you perceive things before thoughts rush in to your mind ? That’s awareness/presence/consciousness.
So, stepping back just means observing the tremendous noise your mind creates, instead of taking every thought seriously.
P.S. Concentrating on your breathing, and nothing else, is a good way to take attention away from the mind.
So it sounds like in your idea, ‘thought’ is the words your mind uses to conceptualize something – ‘there’s a tree, it’s windy etc.’ And awareness is experiencing the sight of the tree, without the knowledge that it’s a tree? Or is it the awareness that what you’re seeing is a tree, without the mental words ‘it’s a tree’ being experienced in your mind?
I guess my question is, suppose I have an emotional reaction to the tree, is that thought? Suppose I see a tree and feel uplifted, without mentally thinking ‘that’s a nice looking tree.’ Would that be awareness? Or would awareness purely be seeing the tree?
What I’m trying to get at is; at what stage between your eyes seeing a tree, and the thought ‘that’s a nice tree’ does the pure awareness exist?
I’m not sure I really have any concept of what it would be like to exist in that state. I suppose I’m aware of things all the time without thinking about them. But that’s not really experienced – it’s an absence.
I’ve tried ‘breathing meditation’, but I must be doing it wrong. Focusing on the body just seems to make me more aware of all the physical irritations my mind deems unacceptable.
“So it sounds like in your idea, ‘thought’ is the words your mind uses to conceptualize something – ‘there’s a tree, it’s windy etc.’ And awareness is experiencing the sight of the tree, without the knowledge that it’s a tree? Or is it the awareness that what you’re seeing is a tree, without the mental words ‘it’s a tree’ being experienced in your mind?
I guess my question is, suppose I have an emotional reaction to the tree, is that thought? Suppose I see a tree and feel uplifted, without mentally thinking ‘that’s a nice looking tree.’ Would that be awareness? Or would awareness purely be seeing the tree?”
Yes !!! Actually, YES !!! The sight of the tree and any and all resulting feelings/experiences, *without an interpretation* of those feelings/experiences is awareness.
“What I’m trying to get at is; at what stage between your eyes seeing a tree, and the thought ‘that’s a nice tree’ does the pure awareness exist? ”
When we begin to *interpret* our perceptions, they typically become words, that’s why I used words as an indicator of thought. But, it is that point when you start to interpret or analyze what you perceive that thought begins. You are right on target !!!
“I’m not sure I really have any concept of what it would be like to exist in that state. I suppose I’m aware of things all the time without thinking about them. But that’s not really experienced – it’s an absence.”
You don’t have to *exist* in that state; no one can. Just see if you can increase how much thoughtless awareness you have, and decrease unnecessary thinking. Shift the balance a bit. That’s all I’m saying.
Dwell in that thoughtless state, just content with perception rather than interpretation. Our lives are not all that bad till we start interpreting them, creating stories in our heads. The story causes the suffering. See what I mean ?
You are really close to what I’m hinting at.
And no, it is NOT an absence. That is just what we have been taught to believe. In fact, I would argue the opposite. When we dwell on just thought and nothing else, we often miss out on what is ACTUALLY happening around us. So, thought often = absence.
Think of when you’re out sightseeing … whale sighting … and you have your cell phone with you. You rush to take your phone out because your mind demands that it needs to be on Facebook the next second so your “friends” can tell you how cool you are and how lucky you are to have witnessed that whale. In the meantime, the whale has ducked down and you have missed the whole thing 🙂 What is that ? Absence.
I guess that kind of makes sense. I think it’ll be hard to cut down the amount I get dragged into thinking and analyzing things. It’s such a strong habit to resist , particularly after something has peaked my social anxiety. I suppose it’s built up over decades as an ingrained response, to the point where it just seems natural.
Still, recognizing that does encourage me to try more ways to tackle it, so thank you.
Hey did you paint that avatar pic?
Ffs I can’t even post shit right today. Thehusk love the topic. I need to let my inner bad shit faced hedonistic self tear up the joint more often. Maybe I’d stop folks from stepping all over me like some carpet of grass.
Sounds healthy 🙂 I’m sure there’s a balance for some people.
Sure. So I’m here. <3
Sunflower – replied above 🙂
I agree a lot with what Einsam has said. I can never articulate it quite right.
I’m not sure how i got past all that. Honestly, it may not have happened without the drugs.
They were what allowed me to step beyond the obsessions of my fragmented ego.
I was messed up for a while but when i stabilized i was not longer vacillating between ego polarities.
You’re deep in a maze, a labyrinth. The truth is there but the tangles must be unwoven. I know it;s hard when the knots are tight and kinky for whatever reason.
Once you find the reason they’ll come loose more easily but you first have to step outside of your ego and see your patterns.
Still don;t know how to articulate it sorry.
That makes a lot of sense. What drugs were they, if I can ask?
There were many.
But the two i used most often were disassociatives and psychedelics.
Dissassociatives such as dxm and mxe and psychedelics such as lsd and cannabis both get you out of the ego although through different ways.
Diss. will disconnect you from ego and body, psychs. will evaporate the ego while putting you more in your body.
I don’t suggest you use drugs as they can cause a lot of problems and are nearly impossible to use responsibly, especially in a bad mental state.
That being said, for many years my “knots” were getting tighter and tighter and i was pretty much standing at the end and certain substances used in certain circumstances for specific purposes designed by me allowed me to gain information that allowed me to relax enough to shift out of those rigid thought/ behavior patters.
I am not a religious person. I’m not talking about spiritual revelation. Certain circumstances during my developmental period caused me to develop a self-defeating personality (mind+behaviors). This was rooted in fundamental misunderstandings of reality that were elucidated from those knots with the facilitation of those substances and others.
I just got lucky I’m weird and could make it work. I’m getting better still. But there were many other factors at play besides those thus described.