I am so stupid. All my life, I have measured my worth on the comments. Now, with social media, it is exemplified.
And I am a blood sucking parasite. I suck the life out of those who show me any attention. I can’t help myself. It is an addictive compulsion.
They tell me it is explained as Borderline Personality Disorder, but I call it torture. Both for me and the other person. The world would be better off without me.
Where can I find the resolve to finally commit suicide? The pain is all-consuming… overpowering… causing constant despair.
9 comments
Hey, I just read your intro post and I’m speechless. The fact that you made it this long is pretty amazing after what you’ve been through. That’s worth something. A whole lot actually.
I wish sometimes I could go back in time and just let my mom kill me. It was so close to happening. And when I feel like I can’t take it anymore I regret my fight to live.
I know I am a danger to myself, but I have no insurance so I have very little options to get help. Psych wards for the uninsured are merely holding cages. So I lie to stay out. And I rock myself in bed to stay put while the massive compulsion to kill myself rips through the core of my being. Mind racing. Highs and lows of emotional rollercoasters and no end in sight.
Thanks for the comment. Ironically, it increased my self worth. Even if just for a fleeting moment.
But she is dead now, the man who abused you is dead also, so can you finally say you’ve won? I was thinking about this just the other day when someone was really mean to me. I thought to myself one day he’ll be dead and if I’m still alive I can say I finally won. I know it’s not that easy but when you can’t fight back you have to think of other ways to ease your mind. It sounds like you’ve been in that situation plenty. What do you think of my strategy? They’re dead and you’re still standing so that sounds like a win to me.
Those abusers are dead. But the therapist that I went to for help after they died hurt me worse of all. I was so codependant in the end, I had no sense of self without her. And then she threw me away. And her family – politicians and lawyers – sought out to destroy everything that was left. I lost my job, my home, my pets (the only thing in the world I cared about) and my sense of self. The lied on court documents and to judges to obliterate me. I was nothing and they made sure I knew it. So, I haven’t won this battle.
I klnow what that’s like. I was steamrolled in the courts too. It’s not about justice any more than the medical profession is about helping people. No it’s all about money and connections. The good thing is by committing suicide, if you do it right, you get the last word. You are well spoken so I bet you can state your case convincingly in a video. Upload it, then live stream your suicide for maximum effect. People get really angry and offended but the police are forced to investigate and a suicide is a pretty dramatic testimony. Sorry I’m just rambling about my own plans at this point, obviously I don’t know your situation enough to suggest anything good or bad. I’m just talking as another soul who got royally screwed in life and my death warrant was stamped by the courts.
BPD is awful especially for social media. People like us don’t belong there. Now when I long in, I’m just reminded of bridges I’ve burned and relationships I’ve exhausted. Also, it doesn’t help to have beautiful women constantly shown to you when you already feel insecure. It’s just a popularity game. It’s been time for me to let go of it, don’t know why I keep clinging. I do get a lot of my news on there, but it’s probably not worth it to feel more worthless in the end.
When I *log in
It is like staring into the snow globe at all the wonderment and knowing it is a place you will never fit into or be part of in your lifetime.
Social….Fucking….Media.
Hate it with a passion. Back in the glorious Summer of 2007, i joined facebook, i posted on my ‘wall’ i deleted my comments within a week and never went back.
I read somewhere that it’s fake because you see people at their best, while you are at your worst. It’s fake though, yeah some people maybe living the dream but mostly everyone isn’t, it’s all lies.
People aren’t even having a good time anymore, they are not living in tne moment, they are to busy recording that moment instead. Fuck that.
Brokenanndbent30 – it’s the same for guys as well. I remember reading how Social Media has made all us guys extremely self conscious as well. In the past decade, i read men are spending more time in the batnroom than women nowadays. And if you don’t look like Hemsworth or Pitt then you suck at life lol
Don’t torture yourself, it’s not worth it. Social media is another level of fake reality, on top of the fake reality we are already living.