today was the first day in awhile where i hadn’t felt like complete garbage. i saw some friends i hadn’t seen since high school; we hung out and had a good time. it was nice.
then, of course, the bad thoughts return and i feel like dying again. they never really go away i guess, but just get pushed back. i wish i could keep them pushed back all the time, but i’m also scared of who i’d be without them. it’s dumb, but recovery freaks me out because i don’t know who i’d be not anxious and depressed. i have an inkling, ’cause the pills i’m on have made me a bit more functional, but i’m still not sure.
i guess today’s bad feelings are somewhat because of a friend – not one i was with today – who keeps coming to me with his problems. i feel like/know he’s using me as a therapist, but he either doesn’t want to acknowledge that it’s a lot for me to handle, or he just doesn’t care. he’s stop censoring himself regarding rape and self-harm, both of which are tough topics for me. today after my friends left he called, and went on this teary rant about how his life sucks and how he has no friends and etc etc. i just listened, and apparently that wasn’t enough, because i’m supposed to know how to make friends and how to deal with life in general.
so now he’s mad at me for being unsympathetic, as he put it.
oh well, i guess. i can’t help everyone.
6 comments
Sometimes I don’t mind being dumped on. But your dumping friend is being selfish. You have no reason to feel guilty because you don’t have room in your life for your friends problems.
i don’t mind being dumped on too sometimes, but it can’t always be one-sided. i want to help, but i can’t be someone’s personal dumping pit all the time. it’s just hard for me to express.
Why not try finding out who you are without depression? You might like that part of yourself more. What have you got to lose?
And as clipped said, you shouldn’t feel obligated to be your friends therapist.
i don’t think i have anything to lose.. i’ve just gotten so used to feeling like this all the time that it’s kinda scary to imagine myself without it. it’d be like becoming a whole new person, in a way. or at least that’s how it feels.
and yeah, i’m gonna try and tell him that i can’t handle his life problems on top of mine. to how he takes it? we’ll see.
Know the feeling. I tend to attract that kind of people – or did in the past, anyway. I still have a friend who pretty much uses me as a therapist, though he has gotten a bit better at being considerate.
While I value people helping one another through hard times, and find modern society at times creepily narcissistic, tbh I think it does neither person any favours if the friendship becomes completely one-sided. This person is sapping energy you need to deal with your depression, and they are getting used to someone indulging them without asking for anything in return. That is hardly healthy.
How about telling him that either you can be friends – that has to be mutual – or you will gladly be his therapist for x bucks/hour?
yeah, i understand what you mean. i just avoid conflict as much as a i can, and with this person, he’d definitely have a fit if i made the suggestion of being his therapist for x buck/hour. it’d be pretty funny to say though, so i might consider it anyways.
i just wish he’d somehow magically get more friends and a support group that can help him instead of him coming to me for everything.