I should know better. What happened?
Stage 4 cancer? A brutal surgery and treatment? A narcissistic husband that I am financially dependent upon? A lost career? Lost physical beauty? An abusive adult child who has no empathy or human compassion of any kind? A successful child who can’t be bothered? Depression?
During my treatment my daughter was my caregiver. She was so quick to proclaim to the world that she was my caregiver all the while never giving me so much as a sip of water. My husband demanded sex knowing it caused me great pain. Then left town again for HIS career. He constantly reminded me how hard it was on him. The only question I recall him asking my Dr.’s was “when will she be better”?
My illness left me broken physically and emotionally. I am trapped. I am so fucking trapped. In a very dark place.
Every day I fake my life. My personality is fake. I think of a celebrity that I admire and then emulate their behavior. Ava Crowder from Justified, Sister Julienne from Call The Midwife. Some days I don’t have the strength to fake so I am very quiet, sitting, staring out the window at my weed infested garden. Just like my life it used to be beautiful but now it’s just ugly and neglected.
Every day I pray. I meditate.
No one cares. Except my beautiful grand children. They are young, naive, silly, sweet, honest. And they adore me. They love me so much. I could never hurt them. I will never leave them. But the struggle to stay is getting harder.
2 comments
This post really moved me. I…feel similar. My life is stagnant as well, and somehow it seems I am out of place.
It sucks about your family. People are very quick to take credit but very slow to feel empathy, especially to parents.
Please take care of yourself.
I’m much younger and find death prep work to be therapeutic and practical. It helps guarantee my options to die at different time frames, with no special equipment, in any capacity besides quadriplegic, undetectable in autopsy, securing the papers, etc. Huxley had an ideal death but he was rich.