My partner was my only reason I got out of bed every day, and this morning I woke up to a long series of messages explaining how much he hates me and doesn’t want me around.
I wish I could live for myself, but I don’t have that much strength.
I was living for him. And now what?
I’ll stay alive for my family and friends, because I don’t want to hurt them. But they don’t make me feel happy. They don’t give me purpose.
My therapist doesn’t help. At all.
I used to be an artist, I used to volunteer with children and do all these amazing things.
But I look for the motivation to tell me to “paint a picture” or “clean the house” and instead it says”go walk out into traffic”
I thought I was finally happy. But I never was and I’m not sure if I ever will be.
I just want to love myself again. I don’t remember what that’s like.
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I don’t remember what that’s like either.
I saw your post and I tried to leave a comment. I don’t think it worked, but I told you that I wanted to give you a long hug because we are in the same place right now and it sucks.
You don’t know how much I relate to your struggle. Reading your post, I felt the same pain that I’ve been feeling with my situation.
I’m going through a bad breakup. I don’t want my boyfriend to leave me, so I fought and fought for him to give me another chance until he blocked me from contact. I don’t even know if he’ll ever talk to me again. He left me anxiety, no closure. We were still arguing when he cut contact. Not even an amicable end.
I hate myself, but I love him, so I went into therapy for him. He had some issues about my violent, intrusive thoughts so I signed up for therapy to fix that. But he ended it the day before my first appointment. I feel betrayed; he didn’t give me a chance to show that I can be a different person before ending it all. We didn’t work out the way we were, the way I was, I accept that. But I believe that he should give me a chance with the new me, the me that has gotten help.
I thought we were working well before the breakup too. I felt happy, but I guess he wasn’t, but he didn’t tell me all of what was on his mind until he broke up with me…
I tried to asphyxiate myself afterwards. I failed because it was impulsive; I didn’t prepare enough. That day, I felt like I was doing my friends and family a favor by removing myself from their lives. They weren’t enough for me to reconsider. They weren’t the people I felt truly happy with. I knew I would hurt them, but I thought it would be for the greater good if I was gone. Everyone I talk to keeps telling me, “Get help for yourself, don’t think about him” but I was living for him. He was the reason why I got help in the first place. I feel like my purpose and motivation are being invalidated. I’m still going to go to therapy for his sake, for our relationship’s sake. If that doesn’t even work then I don’t think I can be happy again. Probably make more preparations for my exit. Nothing I’ve tried to do to distract myself, that used to make me happy, is working. I just keep thinking about him.
…I rambled a lot about my own problems, I apologize. Anyways, the point is that I really do feel for you, as I have a lot of the same feelings myself.