Why not end myself? Fear, of making the wrong choice? Of letting go of delusional dreams of life. Of getting it wrong, and ending up brain-damaged. Of being trapped in some kind of existence beyond death, full of regret. Of changing my mind at the last second, when it’s too late to stop. Of giving up the possibilities of this world. Of facing judgement and punishment for how I’ve lived.
So I linger on. But I don’t know how to live with myself. My mind is an endless source of dissatisfaction, ever demanding the impossible.
Right now all I want is peace & love, but neither seem to be possible for me. So I try to distract myself from my reality, but endlessly fail.
This isn’t hell. I can imagine things being worse. But surely this isn’t a life worth living. I can’t help feeling that I’m being irrational by going on, but I’m also not able to emotionally let go enough to end it.
6 comments
You know, I was just thinking things honestly COULDNT be worse…….. but ya, I know how to make everything better.
When you ask why not end myself? I do fear the brain damage and failure to succeed an attempt as well, which has kept me from attempting thousands of times. A rather new fear I have acquired is police officers and people who are on your tail following, watching you……. it’s so wrong…… You have nothing in common with these folks why would they try to make decisions on thine own behalf?? It’s no good thing
I lay low and keep it quiet until I see the perfect opportunity present itself and then I know I can succeed…… that is my tactics
Sometimes I wonder if I was drugged into sedational coma and had a lobotomy performed on me by some sick healthcare worker there was a time I lost consciousness for a week at a time. But more recently I have felt a scar on my forehead resembling a lobotomy scar…… it may have been formed after an attempt to knock myself into concussion when I was put in a jail cell.
Sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it. I hope you find peace.
There’s only so much you can do, when you can’t succeed in killing your self
True. But I suppose we may as well do what we can.
Move my hand and move my foot
Sometimes I can move my mouth