Lost

I have this strange habit of going outside to my parents’s car and just talk to myself. I do a vitriolic rant on life, and the day. “Carpe Diem” is what the haves say who don’t know better; as the day ahead is one more day to your grave. And another day to regret…

Today was my first day of work. We moved overseas and I got a 1 month waiter position that seemed promising to do and not too stressful. Little did I know. The idiot running the place, in charge of the whole place is 10 years younger than me, worked there for 4 years and as soon as my first day started, he taught me incorrect ways for me to fuck up. At 18, he is bossy and arrogant, and live on seeing the failure of others. I got scolded at by the manager for fucking up on drinks orders and now feel even more anxious to go back. What have I done to deserve this?

Its obvious to me that getting a better life for myself away form my parents is a horned dillemma : choosing between 2 undesirable options; so either I choose to keep on doing this crap job for the money, or I leave.

because either way, I feel like blowing my brains out.

But it creates so much panic for me and stress that I am feeling the Rubicon is being crossed. I am a 28 year old man, balding, losing my looks. I see how all the ones my age have kids and significant others; and I, all alone by myself. All worse off by having XY chromosomes and being at a matured age. Now guys my age get the label “creep” and “pedophile” for free. Life quality goes down the toilet when you get to my age. And it sucks because you still look at younger girls and think you want to be with them. And you know that you can’t because of the big A of GE . On top of this, I live with anxiety that destroys potential to succeed, and acute pain in my face. I am at the lowest end of the totem pole when it comes to life quality I guess. It is obvious that I got lost somewhere down the line of fortune and I am trying to find out where exactly. I ponder my life line and try find a loop hole, wishing to go back to unlock this door to the past, in order to fix this roadblock. I keep thinking back to the same aphorisms: you are not your actions. But it doesn’t fit.

As an Engineer, I try to fix things by logic: A is not working, therefore B. But Fuzzy logic is not getting me anywhere, rather than trapping me more in what-if thinking.

I have being trying to stick around for 5 more years since I first thought of suicide. It all started when I did my first Internship back at University and almost got fired for being too slow – simply because of the anxiety. And every day is a confirmation that things will not get better. I am musically gifted and actually enjoy the good things in life, and feel it is such a waste as I cannot equate my time to my music or science. I want to challenge my mind and actually enjoy life, but I can’t. Something is preventing me from living.

Why is keeping a job so fucking hard people? Is this what life is like? Is it what life is like for people with anxiety? Is this the raw deal we get by living? Please tell me it is just me. Why does the things I like to do, namely, listening to music, enjoying coffee, and spending time nurturing my love for math, always fall back to needing to do a shitty job and becoming so self aware I cannot focus.

Anyone around my age with the same problems out there who can just nod a head and say hello here? Please tell me your life story. Let’s get a conversation going. I start to thing about just living with parents and work for them for a time being. I really don’t know. I don’t want to kill myself this early, but I don’t want to leech of my parents. It is already disgraceful to be this old and live with your elderly parents. I am really on a road to nowhere good…