Suicidal thoughts have turned me into the most selfish guy on the planet. My brother’s wife just had a baby and I keep broaching the topic of suicide. I’m going round to see him tonight with the express intention of asking for permission to end my life. That’s how deranged I’ve become. I don’t want my suicide to come as a bolt out of the blue so I want to prepare my family for it. How fucking low is that. Myself and rational thought have become strangers. I just can’t control suicidal ideation. It’s too strong.
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Can certainly be an all encompassing feeling that doesn’t often respond well to rational thought. It’s hard to know what to do with loved ones, and harder still to live the same way with diminishing returns.
Did you manage to talk to your brother? I’m sure if so he likely didn’t take it well. On the other hand it’s at least a slightly considerate thought to not want them to be taken by surprise… I’m not entirely on the side of rationality either.