I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Everything is going wrong with my life right now and I feel nothing. Not anger, not sadness, nothing.
I just have this emptiness that I cannot fill. What’s funny is that people have been telling me that i look happier lately. Hilarious.
At this point I wish I was sad or angry. I wish I felt something. This enotionlessness scares me to no end. It makes me numb to things. I’m scared I will do something to myself.
I laugh it off and “smile though the pain” because I think if my body looks happy then I will be happy. Right?
I don’t even know anymore. I don’t care about things anymore. Apathy is supposed to be good right? But why don’t I feel better.
I keep screwing everything good in my life and I just don’t care. Or I care too much. At this point, I’m not sure. Everything is so screwed up and I have no one to talk to. No one would understand. I just wish someone would realize just how much I need help.
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I used to look great and work out every day then god you know what sucks I was raped really bad and I couldn’t walk anymore, read or cook. And that’s all I would like to do. Now I just come on here, smoke and work……I haven’t cooked, read a book or walked since idk November 2017. I’m surprised I’ve only gained ten pounds because I swear to god I get so scared just going outside.