I keep causing myself misery. I don’t know how to stop. I want the wrong things. Rationally I know it’s no good for anyone. It’s not going to happen. Move on, try to make the best of a bad situation. But I keep getting reminders. And part of my mind craves those triggers. To feel that surge of meaning and desire again – to know clearly, if only for a moment ‘this is what I want. This matters. This is all there really is in this world.’
But then the contradiction hits – it’s wrong, reprehensible, terrible. Nothing good can come of it. It’s gone, too late. It never was, and it never will be. And that hurts so fucking much. When the only thing that feels truly meaningful and good is also terrible and hopeless. That right there is a recipe for despair.
And yet apparently that isn’t enough to push me to take the leap and do this world a favour. So I’ve trapped myself in this endless loop, where I spend half the time longing over something I can’t have, and the other half pondering why I don’t just end it already. Good job brain. Top marks for self sabotage. You win. You are the biggest loser.
7 comments
I hope you get what you want I just realized i’m screwed! 🙂
How come? You always seem like you have such a positive attitude.
Oh , lets see I want to be young again! well that ain’t going to happen anytime soon! 🙂
My reply actually was meant to make you laugh and at least Smile, because there was no way I could answer this post, I guess I could have asked what is it you want?
But thanks for asking I do have a positive attitude it hasn’t been like that all my life, Now I have what I need ,I don’t have what I want OR DO I? Now I’m confused!
The thing’s I wanted I didn’t need I was always thinking I did because I didn’t have them, once I got them then I wanted something else! I was always unhappy wanting something, so finally I said be satisfied what you need not what you want on a large scale. That took the pressure off and depression got better.
So having what I need now is what I want 🙂
I have an older car it’s paid for, I use to have a new car! But those monthly payments and insurance and of course keeping it up because it’s new, even though the value still goes down like a rock, Was a bad thing to want! It Stole all my money! I was working for the car! But now the car works for me.
In your case I don’t what you want? Ask yourself is what you want really what you need.
Hard to say really. Do we really ‘need’ anything? Do we need to survive? And if so, do we need more than oxygen, water, nutrition, warmth, and physical safety? I suppose I feel I need to feel that something is meaningful and worth living for. The impossible things I want are the only things that give me that sense. Which is kind of why I long for them. But they’re impossible. Hence the despair.
Wow! love that response! I can work with that!
We need the first group in order to live, do we need to live? It doesn’t matter to the man on the moon whether we live or die!
It matters to you and me. That brings us to the next part why live?
“I need to feel that something is meaningful and worth living for.”
This is something I can’t help you with that’s up to you. You are totally in charge of that.
A few examples:
I have 2 cats I have to take care of them they are my children.
I have to help the old lady next door take out her trash.
I have to come on here try to make people smile and try to give good advice.
I also have to make sure I take care of myself cook the foods I enjoy.
OK these are a few things that are meaningful to me.
I t wasn’t always like that I was selfish, self centered and the world revolved around me. I could tell you stories Rocketman done it all, and suffered as well. My point is your purpose can be anything and it can change at any time.
You have to decide what it is, what do you feel would make you feel more fulfilled. You shouldn’t desire impossible things, you should pick practical things. Impossible things are a real challenge unless you like a good fight! And most likely a big let down.
Remember Happiness is a big word look it up sometime OMG! Covers everything! But being content really is the definition in my book.
I wouldn’t expect anyone to be able to help me feel that something is meaningful or worth living for. But I don’t think it’s accurate to say I’m ‘totally in charge of it’ either. I don’t consciously decide to feel a certain way. I feel a certain way, and then consciously recognise that experience. If I consciously think the words ‘I am happy’ over and over again, I don’t actually feel happy (believe me, I’ve tried.) Feeling precedes conscious thought. Meaning is felt.
I’ve done all kinds of volunteering work in my life. I have parents and a sister who would be utterly devastated by my loss. I try to reach out and be helpful where I feel I can. I have any number of small interests that I try to occupy myself with when I have the energy. None of it comes close to filling the hole. The despair remains.
Feelings of meaning and purpose can and do change over the course of a life, but they are not changed at will. If I say ”the purpose of my life is to collect stamps”, despite having no interest in them, and then spend the next ten years doing so, it doesn’t stop me from feeling an overwhelming sense of the pointlessness and futility of the project.
The things that I feel would make me feel more fulfilled are largely impossible or highly unlikely. I shouldn’t desire them, but I do. Because desire isn’t rational. Emotion isn’t rational. That’s kind of the point. Reason is the slave of the emotions, not the other way around. Without emotion, there is no reason to do anything. If we could just switch our emotions off & on at will, no one would ever suffer, ever, and everyone would just sit around in a state of blissed out ecstasy.
I don’t wish to be argumentative, and I get you’re trying to be helpful. I think perhaps we just have irreconcilable differences when it comes to our understanding of human nature.
oh no, Your not being argumentative, your just saying the way it is, it not the same for everyone I can only tell you what I did and what worked for me. take care for now.