Desire is the problem. If I could just let go…I would be so much more functional. Imagine being able to fall asleep without this longing gnawing away at me.
It’s just programmed too deep inside of me. I can’t picture life being worthwhile without it. It’s like an article of faith at this point. A secular religion.
Wipe all that away, and what’s left?
But I should. I should give up the ghost, somehow. No more false hopes or delusions. Just compassionate, selfless pragmatism. If I could kill my desires and wants, then perhaps I’d stop thinking about killing myself. No more torturing myself. Just peaceful emptiness.
How do you make yourself not want anymore? Not care. Desire nothing. Pursue nothing.
But then why live? Fear of dying?
This pathetic, delusional part of me keeps insisting that if only it gets what it wants, all will be well.
I like to think myself a rational person. But with this…I just can’t seem to acknowledge the truth. It is literally a matter of faith at this point. No amount of contrary evidence can apparently reason me out of it. I am the most brainwashed of fundamentalists. This is the foundation upon which everything else is built, and I just can’t seem to give it up. A world without it is not one I want to live in. So every night finds me praying to the God of Desire, and longing for the promised land where my wishes will finally be fulfilled. It seems reason really is the slave of the passions. Pathetic.
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I just get high so then I don’t have to worry about much other than getting high. Sometimes I get paranoia that I am near death lol
what is it you desire so much, you are lying awake?
I suppose to a large extent it’s intimacy/connection.
I understand. It’s something to wish for.
I think if i wouldnt feel it in my life, i would lie awake wishing.
In fact i did, in the past.
But you dont need to conect with the whole world; just 1 person can matter/change a lot.
And on the other hand, there’s lots of people, im sure of it, that do experience connection/intimacy and still dont feel happy, or are depressed in a severe way.
Then with you, is the lack of intimacy the problem, or the depression?
Or is the problem that you just dont feel intimacy/connection yourself, even if its there from another person that loves you. In that case did you ever feel intimate/connected, or never at all in your life?
I don’t think really connecting with anyone is possible for me anymore. That’s part of what leads to my depression. It’s not just that I don’t have connection or intimacy – it’s that I can ‘t see any way toward it.
There are family members that care about me, but they don’t really know me. They care about an idea of me – who I was to them as a child. If they knew the truth about who I am now, they’d probably have to disown me.
I’ve never had anyone really know me and still want anything to do with me as an adult. I don’t think it’s possible now, if it ever was. I’m too morally repugnant for anyone to not be repulsed. But the desire is still there, eating away at me, demanding I somehow satisfy it. An idea I can’t seem to let go of.
“And on the other hand, there’s lots of people, im sure of it, that do experience connection/intimacy and still dont feel happy, or are depressed in a severe way.”
Lifeproject is right. I’ve been with the same guy now for years and I’m not happy. He is either constantly annoying me or I think he is better off without me. I just can’t seem to be happy no matter how hard I try. Idk if knowing that life project is right about that helps but I thought I’d let you know anyway.
I suppose that’s the thing about irrational idealisation – it doesn’t stand up to reality. For me, never having felt real connection or intimacy with someone, it’s very hard to imagine feeling constantly annoyed at someone you still feel that connection with, That’s kind of the whole point of connection in my mind – it being someone you enjoy being around, who’s ‘on your wavelength.’ I find most people kind of annoying.
I get, rationally, that a lot of people in relationships are miserable, have fights, get furious with each other. But somehow that just doesn’t translate with the actual longing. I suppose perhaps it’s like if someone’s starving – all they can think about is that food would make everything ok for them. Whereas everyone who’s well-fed knows that it’s perfectly possible to still be miserable, and that a lot of the time food doesn’t taste that great, or gives you indigestion.
Anyway, I’m sorry other stuff is pulling you down. It’s easy for me to get wrapped up in my own issues and forget all the stuff other people on here have to face, that I have no experience of.
that makes a lot of sense. its like suicide. unless you experience it you have no idea lol. i honestly feel that in my case its my fault and i have emotional disorders and unrealistic expectations of everything.
as long as you dont go searching for it (like at bars and whatnot) you should be ok. but if you look you wont find it. just people that dont care or are really desperate. but no actual connection. i know waiting for the connection sucks but its better than finding a bunch of fakes i feel.
HDL – I guess the thing about emotional disorders is you don’t choose them.
I think at this point casual hookups are the only option open to me. For anything longer term I’d need to deceive the person over who I really am, which kind of defeats the purpose. It’s not so much a question of waiting – I don’t think the person who can really know me without being disgusted who isn’t desperate doesn’t exist – the problem is with me.
you wont be happy in a case like that. been there done that. never the bar thing but i was with people for…stupid reason id rather not go into. it only made everything worse. theres someone out there. i know someone who didnt find the “right one” until he was in his 50s. although im not sure that helped but the point was it might take awhile but someone is out there and you dont have to be someone else to find them. youd never be happy unless you can be you.
HDL – Agree it probably wouldn’t make me happy, but I suppose it might distract me for a while. It might even shake up my outlook a little. I don’t think things could get much worse in that regard for me.
I really want to believe there’s someone out there, but I just can’t see it. Someone would have to be morally depraved or utterly desperate to want to be with me, in which case I probably wouldn’t want them (assuming I was actually capable of caring about anyone that deeply.) But I’ll keep on dreaming of that impossible person, lol.
i wish i could be more help but ive been trying to end my relationship since it started,so i may not be exactly the right person.
HDL – wouldn’t expect anyone to be able to help or give advice specifically. Mostly just writing to clarify my own thoughts on this, and find it useful to bounce off other people rather than going round and round in my own mind. Sorry you don’t feel in a position to cope with your relationship (not sure if that’s the right way to phrase it?)
yeah thats basically right. i always said i wouldnt have a kid because if i cant take care of myself how am i suppose to take care of someone else, but now im realizing i shouldnt be in a relationship either. its fine i guess. just another problem to deal with when one has mental problems lol
HDL – That sucks if so. Is it maybe a question of whether being in the relationship helps when it comes to dealing with mental issues, or makes it harder overall? Don’t think it’s necessarily true that no-one with mental issues should be in a relationship, but s’pose it depends on the issues.
Well….im currently working towards leaving him. I’m tired of fucking stuff up and dragging him down with me. It’s not fair to have him put up with me. My mental illnesses are my problems not his.
Do you think he feels the same way about it (you fucking up and dragging him down)? Because otherwise maybe it’s not a problem (at least for him.)
I know he doesn’t but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a big problem for me.
So you’re dragging him down…even though he doesn’t feel dragged down by you? I’m just wondering how his life is made worse by being with you than it would be if you left him? (which is not to say that you shouldn’t if you think you’d be better off.)
im not sure about you reactions, both HdL and TheHusk.
@thehusk;
you seem not to want give it a chance. as your not worthy. so tell me, whats the truth about who you are?! why are you so repellant? give me 2 examples of when you were morally repegnant. Also, you make some assumptions that are not proven facts. The first one is being an awfull person. Also that people wont like you when they know you. That they care about an idea of you. You might just need to give both other people and yourself a little bit more credit. But then that would be called ‘being positive’ and that is something of wich i find very little on this webpage. If you are always going to have negative assumptions and prejudices and only want to see yourself as an awfull being; sure your life will turn into a hell. It doesnt hurt to be positive about things once in a while, and that includes yourself.
For one thing, you seem like a very nice person to me. And no, i dont know you. But you also dont know me. But then you dont need to know everything about other people. Nobody is nice all the time. Deeds and actions of the past are in the past. What matters are present actions and how you treat people in the current day and time.
@HdL;
I say count your blessings. Would you rather be alone, or in your current relationship. How would it feel if he left you? So do count your blessings. If you wouldnt want him to leave, then he must fill a need also, and not always irritate you. If all he does is irritate you, just end the relationship. Pure logic.
If you know you have emotional disorders and unrealistic expectations, then that is a good start into healing. Address both problems and work on those.
@both;
Sorry, dont want to be ‘preaching the gospel’ or something. but you both seem so stuck in this negative thinking spiral. i know that depression is awfull and i do not know you stories. but from where i stand it looks simple. You dont have to be negative all the time.
To be honoust, i am not so fond of most people myself. But you get to pick who you call friends. I cant believe you are such awfull persons. Because the biggest assholes find themselves awesome. Like Donald Trump. People with doubt, fears and anxiety i always found to be nicer people and nicer to talk to. As they dont have any of the macho or self-righteous way of behaving, that i dislike a lot. Like Donald Trump. 🙂
I have this weird feel it you don’t like the president of the USA. Lol
I don’t want to leave him. But I feel I’ve ran out of options. I can’t keep living like this and i can’t keep dragging others down with me.
lifeproject – I’m afraid I can’t go into specifics (it’s complicated), but I will say that I spent a long time doing things that risked contributing to something that causes others extreme harm, and I kept doing it even after becoming aware of that possible complicity. The past is the past, but the part of me that led me to do that is still very much present (though marginally more under control), and often wants to go back to it (or do worse.)
Judging by public reaction to similar people, I think most would consider me a bad person, and would be disgusted to learn the truth. I honestly don’t think that’s my depression talking – just me observing society. Positivity probably isn’t something you’ll find in large supply on a website for the suicidally depressed, but I try to balance my own negativity by observing the views of the emotionally healthy.
I’m not saying I’m all bad. Nobody’s all bad. Even Hitler loved his dog (I’m not as bad as Hitler btw.) But there’s a dissonance between the different sides of me – who I am when I’m writing on here, and who I am when in the grip of emotion. Kind of like the difference between the Id and the Ego in psychology. When I think about things rationally, I want to come across like a nice guy. But it’s not a true reflection of who I really am. It’s kind of a Jekyll and Hyde thing I guess.
Nobody is nice all the time…but some are unacceptably wicked some of the time. Self-awareness is great, but unfortunately it’s not sufficient. I’m not as bad as Donald Trump, but I’m far too close for comfort.
first canadian since were talking about trump but i have heard some things. and why not just…not do that. unless im completely missing something here. again canadian lol
Whenever I lye awake, I do find myself praying to God that he will take my life in the night while I sleep so I don’t have to live another day. I used to do this as a very small child and I still do but it never actually worked.
well i hear you are trying hard, thehusk and that accounts for something. Your not as bad as Trump; and HE thinks he is great.
i agree, that on this site i shouldnt expect positive thoughts. In that way its not a good place to come with a worried mind. Depressed people, depressing eachother a little more. Person A wants to kill themself, and person B says: i would do it like that. It’s not contructive. Dont even think of suicide until after you tried everything. There always another therapy, docter, medicine. So fight another day.
If you were in a swamp, would you get out of it by talking to other people in the swamp, or by reaching out to someone outside of it. Yes, maybe you would feel better, knowing theres others in the swamp; but ultimately it will not help the situation.
@HdL; please allow me to be blunt. your partner wants to be with you. else he would be gone. dont make decisions for him. i feel you need him; a lot. do you really want to quit the relationship to help HIM, or is it the depression talking? maybe you want to end it so you can be all alone, to feel even worse, because you dont deserve him; and so on…..
dont let your depression take the decisions here.
i hope it will get better for both of you. find some more help trying, really.
if something is not working, try another way.
maybe life isnt so great most of the time, but it certainly is worth living.