Desire is the problem. If I could just let go…I would be so much more functional. Imagine being able to fall asleep without this longing gnawing away at me.
It’s just programmed too deep inside of me. I can’t picture life being worthwhile without it. It’s like an article of faith at this point. A secular religion.
Wipe all that away, and what’s left?
But I should. I should give up the ghost, somehow. No more false hopes or delusions. Just compassionate, selfless pragmatism. If I could kill my desires and wants, then perhaps I’d stop thinking about killing myself. No more torturing myself. Just peaceful emptiness.
How do you make yourself not want anymore? Not care. Desire nothing. Pursue nothing.
But then why live? Fear of dying?
This pathetic, delusional part of me keeps insisting that if only it gets what it wants, all will be well.
I like to think myself a rational person. But with this…I just can’t seem to acknowledge the truth. It is literally a matter of faith at this point. No amount of contrary evidence can apparently reason me out of it. I am the most brainwashed of fundamentalists. This is the foundation upon which everything else is built, and I just can’t seem to give it up. A world without it is not one I want to live in. So every night finds me praying to the God of Desire, and longing for the promised land where my wishes will finally be fulfilled. It seems reason really is the slave of the passions. Pathetic.