I feel like there will never be another day as bright as I want, one that I want to wake up to. I’m overthinking everything in my life as I have always done, and it’s getting a bit tiring. I’m not feeling enough, I figured out. I’ve never been good at recognising emotions, now I’m really good at avoiding them. I have a lot of distractions. They don’t help me when everything’s over and I have to sleep.
Anyway, what I figured out is, I have no hobbies outside of drugs and alcohol. There’s nothing else that motivates me or can seem to possibly ever in the future motivate me. I can’t find that will to live and enjoy it again, like when I was younger. I’m no longer perpetuating an endless cycle of self-hate, I’m actually trying this time. I’m trying now to break free of the cage I recently discovered I live in- the cage of who I am-, and I just feel so stumped because I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it exactly, and I don’t know how it’s going to help. I just know I have to do something more intentional than I’ve been doing so far, something more complicated than brushing my hair every morning. For the first time in a while, I’m trying to get in a state in which productivity isn’t the most satisfying goal around to achieve. Meaning find something I enjoy doing for the sake of doing, apart from using the internet. I just can’t. It’s been a long time, and it makes me feel like I’m not being true to myself, or like a half person. I just don’t enjoy anything anymore is the problem, and I have no motivation to try new things or dabble in old. I have to though, and I will.
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What about reading? video games? movies? those are my top three leisure activities, and to be frank I don’t drink or smoke that much anymore.
Now that the weather seems to be getting nicer, I might go back to riding my bicycle in the park. The thing about all of these is not to force it, at least that’s what seems to work for me. If I feel up to it, I indulge in one of the things I’m interested in. Sometimes I just sit and watch television, totally passive, and I can’t say I enjoy it at such times, but usually it leads to me feeling like I can do something more active.
If you want any recommendations let me know. I’m a big fan of survival and city builder games. As far as movies go I watch a pretty wide variety, though like reading I really like thrillers and horror.