I just want to feel something else other than this deep sadness. And alone. I just want to be able to focus on something other than all my thoughts. I wish I had energy to do things. Fun things, not just things I have to get done.

I wish there was something I liked about myself but there’s not. What’s not boring is shit and what’s not shit is just dull. Maybe if I could find something I could enhance it, then people would like me. Maybe they all would try to reach out sometimes. Maybe I could make them happy. Make my partner happy and want talk to me more.

I want to bash my head against a wall so goddamn hard that the blood that seeps out slowly will suck out all the thoughts and pour onto the floor. I feel like I could snap at any minute.

I’m trying. I’m just so stupid. There’s not even a point in trying. It all hurts so. It’s become more and more unbearable. I wish I wasnt so weak. I wish that one part of my mind making me live wasnt so stubborn.

I should shower. I’m disgusting. I cant even look at myself I look so vile. I couldnt have even got any good genetic combination to make me look better. Damn. I cant find the weight scale and it causes me a lot of anxiety. Hopefully I’ve lost the weight I’ve gained, but I cant find out.

Honestly laying in this bed with my stuffed animals and being wrapped up in a blanket sounds much more ideal. But I should really shower. And I need to clean stuff again. I hate all the bugs and shit. Oh, yeah, I found bed bugs in my laptop :’) fantastic. They make me sick. I remind myself of a bed bug sometimes.

I just want to die.

Its been 20 days since I’ve heard from him/them. Do you not realize how much this hurts when you just disappear and I cant ever know if you’re through with me or if you’re dead or what?

I guess I’ll be fine. It doesnt matter.