Good feelings faded for today. I feel like dying. Just dying, dying. At least most of today was a fun day. I’m very tired and sunburnt. My legs hurt to a point I could cry. Worth it, in the end, I guess. But now I’m stuck in the car with grandparents arguing and it’s always bad when these grandparents fight because it always gets loud and scary. It’s like I’m surrounded by the rotten sounds.

I miss him. Despite everything today, and the past 2 weeks, he’s still in my fucking head. The silence. It’s been over a month, close to 2 now. And I cant get over it because I’m a big baby. I really hate myself. I miss him so much. I would die for him. I just wish I knew what was going on. I guess I’m coming off as that pathetic high schooler in love and so stupid and dramatic and whatever else older people say about these things. Oh well. I dont even know if I’m allowed to feel this way or not. His mental health is very bad, I must keep that in mind. I’m such an idiot.

I continue on as always, for one reason or another hidden from myself. At least I got to see some family for the 1st time in 4 years. It’s been very nice. I hope I’m still likeable and however they want me to be. I know they wouldnt be accepting about some parts of myself…. but I dont have to mention it, I guess. Like old times, haha. I’m exhausted my head is pounding.

I’m just hurting. It always hits so hard out of nowhere. I’ve yet to know why. I wish it would stop. I don’t want this anymore.

I feel like I should apologize to the air if nothing else about my stupid repetitive complainings that dont matter. So, I’m sorry. I feel like all it does is add to my worthlessness