I’ve thought before that part of my struggles in life might have to do with blood pressure. My dad has high blood pressure. I’ve been diagnosed with it, once. I’m on medication to control it. It happens to be also for sleep and ADHD.
Last night I took a shower, first time in a week which isn’t bad I have an office job. But the blood pressure drop after…. it lasted. It kept going until the next day, today. There was only so far I could get my blood pressure up today. It was like a speed limit. I know there was a beats per minute limit somewhere around 65 on my heart. It wouldn’t work harder. I tried too, it was no good.
Getting older is an adventure sometimes, this is one of those things. I rode myself hard, now I’m paying for it. Fatigue happens. The body wants to downshift, and if you don’t give it permission for too long…… breakdown.
So I’m operating in low power mode continuously right now. No big up, no big down. Daytime I activate as much as I safely can, like an electrical engineer wary of brownouts. I won’t be running any sprints any time soon, or I shouldn’t. I can’t always account for my judgement when my economic security is on the line.
People are worried about me, strangers are worried about me. That’s a disturbing new low.
Maybe you don’t get it, I’m culturally very german, ideally no one should ever worry about me. That’s the sign of a virtuous person in my culture. So as a perpetually dependant person, as a ward of the state I feel a strong urge to gain independence. Even if it’s only on paper, I need freedom.
I prayed today, on the way home. I almost never discuss my spirituality or prayer life, but I have no where else I can be honest about it. It was one of my more spirited conversations I’ve had with the old man. See because I’ve been faithful servant, always trying to best serve his will for three decades, two of those decades as a working adult. It says in the bible a worker is worth his wage. So, where is it?
I’m not talking about the specific outcome, I’m talking about any outcome! I’m talking about something not turning into sand. Almost everything turns into sand in my life.
I’ve wrestled with my doubts and had my off years too, and I paid for them. Flirted with blasphemy, but was always penitent. I believe I am a virtuous man, within my own system. What comes of virtue?
Because it is a literal fact; a good tree has to bring about good fruit. Bad trees produce bad fruit. Christ said that. Not quite like that, but quite literally that. No good tree produces bad fruit, so what’s the deal with my persuit of faith?!
I even agnoledged that apparently I was pointed in the wrong direction for the last decade up until last year. That doesn’t matter, because I’m not the guide, that’s not my role in this whole dance.
That’s how I put it to him. That he has duty of care. On which he is delinquent and that’s being generous. It would be worth it if it would be over soon. It really could, I could make it a few more months.
I just need some sign that everyone in my life isn’t trying to keep me stuck in a state that is sucking the life out of me quite completely. Life expectancy down here is in the 70s, it’s up the 80s where I want to go. Blood pressure, living here isn’t good for mine. The heat is a big part of it.
It got up to 90 degrees today. It’s almost Halloween. It’s almost Election Day. They’re selling Christmas decorations…………… and it’s 90 degrees three days straight. Hell, this is hell. If you ever want to go to hell, it’s in Oklahoma in October this year.
Why don’t you give the kid a break?
https://youtu.be/u5BwhWkfyCY?si=DFMKIVJGQ_ExmCE8
2 comments
I suffer from high blood pressure too. It’s part of the reason I originally went on my diet. I also cut back on my sodium consumption too. It’s a pretty difficult diet to adjust too, but I hate the feeling of high blood pressure too. So, my blood pressure is at a more stable level but I also drink a lot of water to flush out sodium faster. And I try to get a lot of potassium too. Getting older sucks, health is a constant but delicate balancing act.
yeah I’m thankful so far not to have problems with sodium, I actually need more of it in my diet to counter the hyper hydration issue. It’s just sugar, caffeine, milk and corn products, which happens to be a lot of what is cheap and tasty. I have to be careful about my vitamin B (6 and 12) levels also, let them get too high I start to feel awful.
I’m worried about the colder months, I’m going to have to find another way to get vitamin D other than dairy. A little dairy I can get away with.
I discovered a new villain this week; oat milk. That stuff makes me really sick. None of the milk alternatives work that well. I think it might be an acidity issue, I need to stay slightly acidic to feel okay.
and of course there are always people who will say to cut back on the THC and nicotine…… and I’m like, how do you think I’m staying away from dairy?!
it’s lesser of evils game over here. I have to ingest a certain amount of high grade mood altering substance, and it can’t be sugary. Oh, Hummus is currently my hero, I eat it for lunch every day.
I’m doing well though, compared to my friends, one with a full corn intolerance, one with heart failure and one with diabetes. This place isn’t good to people. Whether that’s location based or cultural… not sure.