I’m starting to get a little scared. Lately I’ve been happy. Like legitimately happy. Not those brief times you get to breath between the constant hellish everyday that you have. Where you’re content, but in the back of your head you know what’s coming. So you can’t be too content. It feels like something’s wrong. Like it’s not supposed to be like this. Even when things are falling apart around me and I’m going to be stuck working all through Christmas, I still feel happy. So much so that I was wondering if it was the beginning of a manic episode. Only had one so far and it’s been more than 2 years at this point. I’m still taking my meds every day, but even then there’s always that 1% chance my brain fractures. I’ve also been on a new dose of ADHD meds that could trigger it, so I’ve been hyper aware of my mood. I genuinely think it’s just been so long that I’ve felt this way, that it feels like a completely new sensation. Which is a bit sad. Somehow being happy and like everyone else is abnormal for me.
My doc floated the idea to me last session that I might be autistic. I think I might have over exaggerated a little, so that might have given him the wrong idea. I was talking about how I don’t understand people or why they do things or why they have certain expressions and what they mean. This is still true, but I think I gave him the impression that I was completely hopeless in that area. I understand what a happy face looks like. I understand what a sad face looks like. I understand why people do very obvious things. The reason I said what I said is because I think it’s rooted in my paranoia. I inherently distrust people, so my mind immediately assumes some ulterior motive. I can’t understand why someone might smile even though they should be angry or disinterested or some other negative thing. Take for example yesterday. I went to some dumb club social thing thinking I would get a free meal (there were only snacks). I kept to myself listening to music feeling like shit because being around others makes me lonely. Then the club advisor/organizer/whatever asked me what I was doing for the holidays. I feel as if she really doesn’t like me. I’m not the best member and kind of don’t participate in keynote speakers and other shit. Don’t want to. Also the last time I really talked to her was basically asking for financial opportunities cause of my new situation. She gave a short message to read the weekly emails she’s been sending and that the club didn’t have any grants/stipends available anymore. Clearly that pissed her off. So when I said that I would stay behind to do work, she just smiled and laughed and moved on to talking with someone else. What the fuck did that mean? Did she feel awkward, was she glad my dumbass got fucked over, was she mad that I wasn’t talking much? What the fuck was any of that supposed to mean? That’s the stuff I’m talking about. The weird complex shit that isn’t immediately obvious. When that one girl talks to me out of what I believe is pity, why does she do that? That weird facial expression she made when I apologized for being a dick when I was in the process of going through with it. It creeped me out. The way her eyebrows and mouth scrunched up. It was upsetting. What do people mean when they talk to me or bother to say hi or acknowledge my existence in any way shape or form outside of any work context? I might be somewhat autistic.