Haven’t been on in a while.

I haven’t felt this strongly about wanting to kill myself before.

I complain too much…

My friend told me to promise not to kill myself… As she has Thanatophobia (Fear of death)…
I can’t promise… I never promise that… Ever.
Because I know one day it will happen.
Its how I’m going to die, I don’t see myself dying any other way.
It may not be now, or even soon, I may not live past 20, I may live until 30, 40, I doubt 50.
In the end, I know I’m going to do it myself.
I’m sure that’s how it always ends with me.
Past lives, future lives. Relationships, friendships.
She’s telling me about her sister… Who is sick, a may need to go to the hospital…
And I sit here, wishing I was her… Wishing I could just die.

I feel bad about it too..

that 10 year old sister of hers is stronger than my fucking boyfriend.

He was whining about his back hurting while she was laughing after she had just

been stabbed in the fucking eye with a stick, and getting pink eye.

I want to do it.
I want to.
Just let me do it…