it’s been a complicated time honestly. a few good things and a few stressful ones
for one, i found a job! started on oct 1st. it’s been going alright, coworkers are pretty nice and it’s a good atmosphere i think. it’s been pretty challenging though, i can’t lie. every day is a bit hard, but i’m kinda getting into the rhythm of it i guess. so, all good there!!
on the other hand, october tends to be a kind of shitty month for me lol. not a big fan of my birthday, so i always end up dreading it before and ruminating about it for the remainder of the month. kinda dumb. this year was a bit terrible though honestly. most of my friends forgot about it, pretty much almost everyone i think? i mean i guess i shouldn’t care much since i don’t like the date anyway, but it did bum me out quite a bit. honestly, it’s so silly i can’t believe i’m still thinking about it lol.
i’ll say though, that wasn’t the biggest thing to happen during october and the 12 days of november so far. i’m still kinda getting over it, sorta. at least trying to.
one of the kids in my classroom almost choked, so i had to do the heimlich on them. in the end everything turned out alright, but i feel so weird about it. some parts of that moment are so blurry, but others are crystal clear, my brain can’t stop replaying them. their face as they panicked from not being able to breathe is, i think, somehing that’ll take me some time to stop thinking about often. every time i look at them, i can’t see anything else lol. it’s freaking me out.
i know everything turned out okay. after all, they always say that in such cases, if the other person is alive and safe, then you did a good job. still, i kinda can’t help but think, “maybe i could’ve done more,” “maybe i should’ve been looking closer,” maybe i did something that ended up making them choke.”
i’m losing my mind over it lol. honestly i don’t know how to cope with it, i feel like i’m punishing myself for something that ended up being okay in the end. maybe i’m punishing myself for even letting it happen. i’m so anxious now while working, i’m not even kidding. whenever someone starts screaming or talking too much or running or moving their head around while eating, i freak out a bit. when i hear them start to cough differently than usual, i get so anxious. when i can’t hear one of them for a bit or i can’t see them, i freak out. it’s exhausting lol. but i don’t know how to, get over it i guess?
i mean i know it was kind of a big deal but, i feel like i don’t have the right (?) to be so hung up over it?? am i being weird about it? i somewhat feel like i need to talk about it, but i can’t express what i feel properly.
i probably could’ve done so much more to prevent it from happening. maybe i should’ve asked for smaller orange slices? sat at the table while they ate? handed over their water bottle before they started eating? i don’t know. i can’t stop telling myself that i’m to blame, that if it had been someone else, nothing would’ve happened. i don’t know.
honestly any advice in how to stop ruminating over it is welcome lol.