I am so lucky. I have everything a 19 year old girl could want. I have opportunity, am working myself towards getting a good college education without any debt. Parents who love me. I have no financial problems. I have had no traumatic experiences in my life. I’m decent looking, not beautiful, but not ugly. I don’t drink alcohol. Never smoked weed, never tried drugs, I drive the speed limit and tip generously. I’m blessed with all these wonderful things, but I’m not given what every person on Earth wants. To be happy.
I sound pretty stupid right now. Being given everything and still not being happy because of it. I sound like a spoiled brat. I’ve learned the value of hard work and money. I grew up placing the happiness of others before myself and being considerate.
To get straight to the point, I hate myself. So much. I could go on, forever listing reasons why I am a worthless sack of filth. Every breath I take, every move I make is done with this deep hatred I have for myself, to the bone. I stand in front of a mirror for hours nit picking at how disgusting I look when other people say I’m fine. I create free time to personally bash myself and my self esteem, but I don’t realize that I’ve done it until I’m wiping the tears from my face. When I get a C on an exam I am the scum of the planet. I am not good enough. I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. I deserve to live suffering than be given the pleasure of death. I deserve to eat at myself slowly and be the cause of my death. I feel this way because no one on earth hates me more than I hate myself.
I’m a pre-med student, watching all of my colleagues succeed as I fall behind. I tried everything, but I continue to watch my grades drop. I rip out my hair when I study, then scratch at my scalp until I start bleeding. Then I pick at the dried blood, then I pick at the scabs in this endless cycle. I scream at the walls like bloody murder when my roommate is gone, throw anything that won’t break and pray to God every night that I won’t wake up again in the morning.
I have some issues. I have no reason to, but that doesn’t mean that they are gone. That doesn’t mean that I don’t cry every night at my failures. That doesn’t mean I want this to go on forever and that I haven’t tried to stop this pathetic helplessness.
After 5 years of trying to decipher the meaning of life, my life, I’m still turning up blanks. I’m still the same helpless child that I have been and always will be. Suicide runs through my mind often especially when I feel like I’m trapped by failures, by my oppression against myself. This is me, it’s nice to meet you.
9 comments
Sorry to hear. Grasping such a general feeling of despair is always worse than any grief that follows tragedy. I feel for you and hope you can find a balance.
I’m sorry to hear that. I hate to ask but have you thought of counseling. You seem to have tons of repressed emotions that the image that you present doesn’t allow for. You probably need to talk to someone who won’t judge you.
omg. I just read the story of my life to myself when I read this. I don’t know how else to put it, but I’m in the exact situation as you financially, staying clean from everything drugs, partying, and alcohol. I too am a pre medical student in my now 3rd year of college and am well in the exact situation. Not once have I received counseling as well noone would believe whats on my mind or recognize that i have severe depression. Ontop of that others only have seen my life going perfectly and use me as a “good” example. I have never given my information on this site and infact never heard something remotely similiar to my story. Alot of what your going through are issues have been working on myself becuase of the pain it has caused. you can email me at gagnierpride@yahoo.com, Facebook me or yahoo chat. or just reply here. It’s just bizarre for me as your going through alot of what I am going through and have been going through I’m currently taking the same classes as you also like o-chem, physics, etc.
Yeah, I’m also taking ochem, physics, molecular bio and I guess its the stress or just my negative thoughts that can bring out these behaviors and feelings that I’ve never really experienced, at least not to this intensity. I’ve been thinking that maybe the sacrifice of happiness and time throughout the next 10 years or so and possibly even the rest of my life just isn’t worth the job.
You are fighting yourself. You are putting yourself to difficult standards. You need to realize this. I recommend counseling. Most universities offer it to their students.
cj is right. Being ambitious is one thing, but setting standards for yourself that you’ll never live up to is just setting yourself up for failure. I do this to myself all of the time, “you’re doing so bad in school, you’re a disappointment, you’re ugly” but the truth is, once in a while you have to listen to what other people are telling you. Trichotillomania is a serious issue, it will get out of control if you don’t get help, or find a way to help yourself.
If you want different results, you have to try something different to get there. That may be seeking psychiatric help, or just hanging out on this site, or with friends. I’m not one to judge, seeing as I’m in almost the same situation as you. 19 year old girl, I have everything I need for a perfect life. I’m in university, the program I’m in is pretty much pre-med, but I’m switching out because I can’t take the heat.
Maybe if your’e finding it so difficult that you’re not enjoying it anymore, you could try a program change?
I was you…10 years ago….but I wan’t a pre-med student – I went into engineering. I did finish, but I felt like you and I still do to this day. You are young, you really should take the time to figure this out now. If you can get help – please get help. I’m 29 and feel like I’m running out of time to find happiness. Heck, I’m not even sure what exactly will “fix” me. The older you get, the harder it becomes and there is more pressure on the amount of “time” you have left. I had friends when I was younger, but pushed them all away with my constant negativity. It is hard when it looks like you have a “perfect life” but you are miserable on the inside.
You have so much time still….I wish I would have fought my demons when I was your age….
@flux: thank you for your kind words
@kno1: Its okay, and yeah I went to counseling throughout my last semester. I tried to promote positive thinking and repetition but I couldn’t stop myself. It was like an itch I had to scratch. I think I may go back again.
@cj: yeah I kinda feel like I’m in the middle of a tug of war between how I feel and who I think I should be =\
@beaGhost: I think you’re right. I thought I could stick it out, but now I don’t think I can. Who knows how another 10 years of this is gonna affect me and I don’t think I want to stick around to find out.
@Iamamistake: It takes a lot of dedication to be an engineer, I admire your strength to pull through. Lately I’ve been trying to find things that make me happy, truly happy, all the little things in life I guess. On the plus side you’ve finished your schooling and you can focus a bit more on yourself =) I on the other hand have to do some serious reflecting on what I want to do with my life.
It’s never too late to change your mind. People will respect you more if you have the guts to follow what you want to to, and be your own person, rather than just do what people want you to do. You’ll be better at things that you lie doing too, so it will be a win-win. Wouldn’t you rather switch programs than kill yourself? Surely it’s a better solution. It would hurt a lot of people (some that you wouldn’t expect) if you killed yourself, and not very many people would care if you switched your major.
I told my mom I switched my major yesterday, from biological sciences to psychology. She was obviously disappointed, but maybe once I’m doing something that I like doing, she’ll see how happy it makes me and stop caring so much about how likely it is that i’m going to succeed.