Single digit now. Got three interviews this past week and my mentors are finally getting back to me about job leads. You’d think that that would mean things are looking up. That I might actually make it out before 6 months are up. It’s just a ruse. Something to get my hopes up just to have it pull out from under me like always. These interviews and leads will lead no where. Like they always do. I’m here forever. My own personal hell.
Had my psychiatry appointment today. It was as pointless as I expected it to be. I was blunt. Said I was miserable and work was terrible. He was unhelpful as usual. Noted that there was no medicine that was going to change that. I know that. Asked what he could do. I told him I just needed my prescriptions. That was it. There’s nothing he could do for me even if actually cared to beyond the stock questions all psychiatrists ask. I’ve told him I’m suicidal before. You’d think he’d remember that and that it would set off some red flag for him, but he didn’t inquire about it. Doesn’t seem like he’s interested in helping me. Not that I gave off the attitude that I wanted him to. Like I said, nothing he can do for me. I already tried going to him before but all he did was email me a list of therapists. Typical psychiatrist. Just need to fill out the prescriptions. That’s all. The major difference about this appointment is that I’m the one paying now. So that 12 minutes or so that costs me $150 is going to hurt me instead of my parents. That was the point of taking this shit job to begin with.
Trying one more time. Will be disappointed one more time. Going to a board game group tomorrow. Driving 30 minutes to a Jason’s Deli to play with strangers with the hopes of finding someone who could be a companion. The main problem with the mixer Saturday was that I was banking on the video games to be a conversation starter. When only a handful of games were there and it was mostly drinking and small talk, I couldn’t do anything. The problem with this one is that this isn’t a singles mixer thing. People are there to play board games. Not find dates. So naturally I will not met anyone there that would be interested in me like that. Best case scenario I meet another dude I can play video games with or something. Worse case scenario I play board games I’m not super interested in and waste a bunch of time and gas. God knows that shit is expensive now.
Had a phone call with my mother. Nobody knows how to make me feel like shit like she does. Not even a 2 minute call. I could barely talk. My mental state just wouldn’t allow it. That only made her angry. I remember when she’d yell at me for crying as a child. Can’t say it happened every day, but it did happen. Being upset makes her angry. It’s a state you’re not supposed to be in. You’d think her approach would be trying to comfort you. And she does that. But when that doesn’t work for the first minute or so she defaults to anger. It’s kinda the thing she understands best. I don’t think I try to explain anything to anyone because what would be the point? They wouldn’t understand. The way I think is fundamentally broken to most people. It’s not logical. But it’s the only way that I think. My brain was just formed that way. Whether it is out of genetics or environment or some other third thing I don’t know. My world view is warped and it’s the only thing i understand.
I’ll be back next week for 8 weeks. Then 7 weeks. Then 6. I’m 2/3 of the way to what was supposed to be my freedom. Now it’s just how long before I get my permanent prison sentence.