when they get close….
i wonder when they’ll really see me. the dirty, stupid, dumb, irresponsible girl that i am. somehow it’s so much more easier to bring myself down then to bring myself up. it’s safe. it’s the truth. it’s my reality.
i even write stupid. none of this seems coherent at all.
they’ll see that i’m socially awkward.
after a while, they’d rather be with someone else rather than be with me.
because i don’t talk. because nothing fucking comes out. i’m boring. there’s nothing interesting about me. i don’t fit in. i’ve never fit in.
i don’t know why i do this to myself.
i know i am truly alone. most of the time i wonder why i’m here anyway. it would be easier to just die and get this life over with. i just don’t want to do this anymore.
i’ve never had any close friends. actually i hate getting close to people because i start to see their flaws and after a while they start to annoy me. which is terrible i know, but i can’t help it. i just feel like they’re all after me.
maybe i was meant to be alone. i don’t know what’s wrong with me.
maybe i do have social anxiety disorder? all i know is i just can’t take it anymore. i just can’t take it anymore. it’s killing me. breaking a bit of my soul and heart a little piece at a time. it’s torturous. and i know i’ve been through the same thing again and again. i just feel like losing hope. there’s just no point in living anymore. i want to end this so bad.
i don’t know what to do. should i get a therapist? there’s still a part of me that wants to continue on with life. but i just know my whole life i’ve always felt uncomfortable, never fit in, and always felt like i was being criticized. i don’t know why i do this to myself.
6 comments
I feel the same way. You need to over come these feelings you get about yours friends, instead of seeing there bad things see the good things about them and learn to accept them fOr who they are. And get a therapist it does help I promise(:
Are you ME? Because I feel the same as you.
I thought I was the only one that gets sick of their friends! I would say though I’m more bipolar about relationships. One day I’ll love person A to death and am so grateful to have them in my life. Few days later, I’ll ignore their phone calls and dread the thought of seeing them because their flaws outweigh their good traits.
And again, I’ve experienced the same insecurities as you. It sounds like you’re introverted as well…I used to beat myself over that. But now I see the positive of being observant and not always speaking your mind.
If ANY part of you wants to live, then PLEASE don’t make a permanent decision quite yet…and yes, I think you should get a therapist. But remember, your the client. You are paying them to help you. So if you set up a meeting with a therapist and don’t feel comfortable with the person, keep trying to find someone who you feel safe with. I am not saying there is such a thing as a “perfect” therapist. Therapists are only human after all. All I know is that the only person in this world who truly gets me is my therapist. We have been together for many years, and she never gives up on me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this battle, but she has done everything and more for me. So if I choose to give up, that’s on me, not on her. Good luck to you…I wish you the best!
You remind me of me, except that I’m male, and I consider myself to be an interesting (not boring) person. I think that either you are an interesting person, or that you should make yourself one. Either way, that can be a start.
Others have given you very good suggestions.
If you prefer not to go to a therapist yet, you can try this forum
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/
They are a pretty welcoming group of people.
Or Hikiculture. Not as therapeutic but many there have social anxiety for various reasons.