Hi.
Today i made a decision, i will kill myself. And, i have a date, is 6 or 7 december morning. I have plan – i grab rope, i go to forrest next to my house, and i hang myself.
And, question is, why?
I am a 26 year old man. If you ask me to my last friend, i tell you: is 15 years ago, before my family move to another place. I define friend as person, that is willing spend time with you outside school/work. In my college studies, i have some good classmates – all in last 2 months. Before that, i was alone for 15 years, and now, i am still alone.
And now, some girls from my school is willing go to pub, but, only for a moment between lecture in my university, or i can go with them to their bus stop. Thats all. Before 2 months, i don’t have even that. In this september i start my 8 year in university (for some problems i didnt finish my previous study) – and if i count, how many times i go out with somebody to some place, pub or something, i start and end at number 1 – i ask some girl out, in romantic sense, she did not want to hurt my feelings, and then i go out with her and several of her. Before all my life? Zero. After? Zero
If i call or FCB to someone, who i met this last two months, and i tell “go with me somewhere, and go doing something”, reply is all the same “no” “no i cant” “no, i am out from the town”….i tried this many times. As i say, i cant find one person willing be my friend.
But, if i am sad (pretty often, every day), i dont have somebody to hug, i dont have somebody to cry. I can hug myself, or silent cry in my room (only if i lock door). If i am little happy for something (grade A from lecture, published article in magazine…) – is all the same, I can tell themselves, and other people? They didnt care.
My parents are interested about me, only about school duties, or home work. Feelings or suffering? No way – my siblings are same. I am here, only if they need something, or only if i dont wash dishes, other things? No.
Now, i describe my “girlfriend” experience with womens. Zero. That is another thing. Hold girls hand by my hand? Zero times in my life (i didnt count church – is part of the worshipping of my God). Kissing girl? Zero. Simple hug from anybody? I remember my grandmother a 17 years ago.
Last time, that somebody tell me simple “i care about you”, or “i love you”? Again, my grandmother 17 years ago.
I am thinking about suicide, now is 6 years. I cry a lot, before only 1-2 nights a week, now is 6-7 nights for a week.
In july this year, i told myself, at september, i go to next Study (in july i finished bachelor) – i meet a lot of people, and, i have a little amount of hope. But, if after 3 months i didnt see some changes, i end it. Now, after 3 months, is all the same. No friends, no girlfriend, no love from my family. I lost hope for change. Why do i live next week/year/decade, if i stood alone. I see my future. I come home from work, and i am alone until morning, then go to work again. Thanks, but no.
I simply need some emotions, some love from somebody in my real life – now i know, its never happen.
I try told a 1 girl, what is going on in my heart, but that girl just told me, find a psychiatrist, she told me, “will be better, dont kill yourself”. But, i write above – i dont have a hope, i do not believe for a change, not anymore. I cant be alone, because my heart is in pain 🙁
I try two other girls, one by one, i speak about by sadness, they are good, kind girls, but again, failed to give me some hope.
I try psychologist – no change.
I try a catholic nun (i am a catholic) – but, she didnt even response to my request for a spiritual help. She didnt say “i dont want help you”, she didnt respond.
Now, i tried everything, i tried wait, am waiting 6 years, and i do not believe for a change. My last option is kill myself. This stop the pain. And am sure, that nobody cry after i die.
Sorry for my bad English, i am better in reading in English, then in writing.
9 comments
My heart goes out to you.
Obviously a harsh life for you seeking just someone to care and not finding it.
There will be other posters here and I am sure I can speak for some of them when I say we are concerned , we care but that is not what you are looking for nor is it enough.
Before you choose to go make sure that it is really what you want.
It means the end of everything and no other chances or gambles.
I myself have made the choice to go soon. And I have decided like many others that nothing else is left.
Whatever path you take make sure that is truly the one you want.
Either a final end or another day.
Is there a way to send private messages to posters?
@amanitar – if I was with you, I would hug you. If I was with you, I would tell you that everything will be okay. If I was with you, I would help you through this. But the hard truth is that I am not with you. I can not hug you. I can not stand by your side and help you through this.
But I can provide support and tell you that everything will be okay. I may not be at your side, but I can still offer advice. The first step to getting better is always to live, and that is probably the last thing you want to hear. It is sad that people are not more caring, and it is sad that people do not love you. I guess what I am trying to say is that I care about you and I hope that is enough to help you feel better.
I have also felt as if nobody cared about me. I, too, have hugged my self. I try to cry but I am too sad to shed a tear. I can tell you that there is someone who cares about you, someone who would miss you if you are gone. Sometimes they are hard to find because people in this world are so emotionally reserved. But all you need to know is that someone is there – you just have to find him or her.
Don’t do it amanitar. Believe it or not, God has a plan for your life. The emptiness and hurt in your heart cannot be filled by other people. Only God can fill the hole in your heart. Ask Him to come into your heart! Don’t end your life. Your whole life is ahead of you, and God loves you!!!
I’ve experienced a lot of what you’ve described. Challenging isn’t it. It may be hard to know or feel but you are loved, and despite the reality as harsh and unkind as it seems, look for things to be grateful for, and love yourself for no other reason than, that’s all that’s important. Nothing is more important than, that you feel good.
If you choose to depart physically, you will not be killing yourself, nor is that an advisable perspective to have. Your consciousness will survive and you’ll find you are still alive, just in another state. So open your heart for yourself, being as grateful for all you can. One’s consciousness at the point of transition is important. For the next while, I’d suggest meditate as much as you can, calm yourself…stay strong in your spirit…you are doing your best. Good luck!
people, thanks for you nice words, but, i realy want this – am thinking about suicide like every day in past few years. I was looking for just one reason to live, or just one person in my life, that would by sincerely sad, if i am gone – because i dont want bring sadness to someone with my suicide – my heart is broken, but, i do not want to break someone else’s heart . But, i didnt find no reason, and no person.
I try counting, like this: “father – no”, “mother – no”, “good classmate Veronika – no” etc… but, nothing.
And, shiomaniac, i try God – but pain is too big – i know, i should live and wait for God solution, but, i cant 🙁 – i go to church 3 times, last time – 25. november, sunday – i asked God for help, it was my last chance – but, nothing – i am sad same as before church.
i know, suicide is end of everything, but, also, end of my pain. I can not stand it more. I just dont believe that everything will be okay – in 26 years, without friends, without any girlfriend in my life, and without stunning beauty in my face or body – like i say, no hope. I can be intelligent, good, kind person, but, it is not important 🙁
And, in my life isnt one thing, that would be meaning more for me, like ordinary hug, or some love. No money, success in school or work, nothing.
If I had someone in my life as you people – i would probably dont do it – is irony, that i dont have one kind gesto, one kind word for persons from my neighborhood – but i have it from strange people on internet – and this just make me more sad 🙁
In next tuesday i have last opportunity to deal with my situation – “social” event from history department in my school. I will try, but if i not solve anything, next day, my climbing rope, forrest…
Hi Amanitar, how are you doing? Wish I could meet you. Wish I could tell you in person that you’re special. I know your pain is unbearable, but things can get better. I was once where you are. I too wanted to end my life. Emotional pain is worst than physical pain. But God (not religion) saved my life. And He can save yours too! So here’s my prayer for you my friend…
Dear God, I want to lift up Amanitar to You. I don’t know who he is or where he is, but You know everything about him because You are God. Right now I ask that You touch his heart and his life. He is in so much pain. Please show Him how much You love him. Please show him that You care. Please bring some special people into his life who can encourage him. Please protect him and keep him from hurting himself. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
I usually don’t help people through posting but reading your story made me to do this. I can imagine you can feel a lot of pain right now but committing suicide just because of loneliness is such a waste of human life! Why ? Definitely not because its easy to handle but there is so many ways you can help yourself.
From what I read you feel lonely, low self-esteem, hopeless and probably much different from “normal” person just because you don’t have the social life you would like to have. I guess, the biggest problem that you have is lack of experience with girls. I guess you think you’re too boring, not attractive enough and feel worse than any other guy who has a girlfriend. Just because of that you self-esteem is dropping even further and you feel like you can’t have any social life (like friend to hang out with, grab a beer with or whatever). But there is one simple way out of this shit. And it’s called PUA. Just google it!
Sign for some PUA forum, read their post, start with doing some simple social exercises like asking gals for direction and in no time you’ll be more and more confident. After some time you will be getting a lot of girls phone numbers, have a lot of dates etc. And while you’ll improve you issues with girls you find out that your whole social life is much more enjoyable. It’s not easy, it requires effort and time but it’s definitely a great way to go. I saw a lot of lads, who never have a girlfriend, looked really really bad, were to fat etc etc, but after some time they were dealing with girls even better than standard good-looking, confident men!
Also you can find so-called “wingman”, a men who wanna change just like you, and you will have some friends just from the beginning you journey!
I hope that really helped, take care and good luck!
OK, thanks guys for you help. I owe you how its end.
I read everything, that you wrote, and, i find one good friend, her name is Veronika – she is best person, i have ever met – i dont know why, but she is very good to me – no in romantic way, but in emotion, and friend way.
I got the idea, i try a couple months more (to another semester party in Department of Education science (i study History and Education science) – like february – april in next year), in this world – also because of what all of your write. I know, i can not have everything at once, but baby steps. And, i can study some PUA websites – i have a lot of free time to study 🙂
My pain is still here, but now, i can manage it, for now, and i am happy for it, because, i see suicide as way to end my pain – if i can for now manage it, suicide can wait couple weeks.