Not your doll anymore… I am Free

You have no idea how many times I’ve contemplated suicide.

I mean the pills, the blade, the drugs and the alcohol were all ready, the suicide letters, some finished some uncompleted.

You have no idea how many times I’ve sat on my bed, blocking out everything, and concentrating on the blunt razor blade, you don’t know how many times I’ve carved the name on my everything into my wrists, my legs, my stomach, my whole body so they would know the reason for my death.

So they would know that the person was the one I toke my life for.

You are my killer mom; you have taken away my whole being.

You have raped all thoughts severely, and here I lay, blank and cold.

You don’t know how many times I’ve ended my life, only to be brought back from the dead.

I’ve slept forever, waiting for my love.

My depression, my only true self, you don’t know how many times, I’ve stared at barbwire fences and old abandoned boats, trying to see there beauty.

I’ve tried to talk but you left your fist deep down in my throat.

You marked me so that I could never be normal again.

You’ve inserted a capsule of sorrow into my brain, haven’t you?

You’ve sent the crows to feast off my naked torn apart body haven’t you?

You’ve talked to me through tin cans and white powders haven’t you?

You have pretended to be god, in all your pathetic glory haven’t you?

You have injected me with yourself so that I could scratch away at my veins to bleed you out haven’t YOU?

You’ve always made me feel so tired, so lost, so confused, you’ve always given me a map with directions to nowhere.

You’ve always whispered dirty REPULSIVE ******* thoughts into my ears, so that I could try and cut them out HAVEN’T YOU?

You’ve always been touching me with your dirty little hands, calling me your doll, so that no amount of acid could rid me of you.

You’ve entered into the deepest depths of me.

You’ve abandoned me, and now my whole identity is FAKE! You’ve placed plastic wires into my skin so you could control me, just like your doll.

You’ve always been in the mirrors, so I could stare at myself, stare at you, so I could be vain and never question your loyalty.

You.

YOU have sprinkled brown substances into my water, in hopes of poisoning me haven’t you?

You have taken this body for ransom.

Every word I produce has your name written all over it, but you have made people ignorant, so they cannot read properly, so they cannot understand.

You have waited for centuries, so that I may become vulnerable, so that you could strike with such force that my lips have bled.

Bled for YOU.

Bled for those who cannot bleed no more.

You have made me LOSE THIS WAR so that I could never be content again, and you have succeeded, you have won.

My beautiful depression is yours.

– Emoxmeow