i dont know. all i know is i dont want to be here anymore.
im lonely, im sad, im alone. i hate myself so much, i have everything i need, more than enough yet im still unhappy.
im 15, 16 on the 24th january. and so far ive had more downs that ups. right now i want to cut every piece of flesh on my body just so id feel better. im so alone.
please dont think im a winey teenager whos going through puberty a little bit harder than normal because this isnt what it feels like. its not at all. im so sad,i cry all the time, i self harm, contemplating suicide is a daily thing, i feel so alone.
let me start from what i think is the beggining. to me lieing was an acepttable thing. i lied about everything especcialy at school to class mates. i told lots of lies, i thaught was okay. soon my lies started beoming more clever, i thaught of back stories and other things to make my lies more belivable. all this wwas a way where i would be getting attention to myself, me feeling supirior to everyone else. the school befoer high school was horrible. please dont judge me ive had enough of it as it is, im a muslim and everyone at my primary school wasnt and they used to do horrible things to me that still come back at my face. so in high school i lied and people were stupid enough to believe it.
then a few years later i started getting a really good group of friends, together we all were popular and very close. these girls made up most of the girls in the year, and i even had a best friend. Because my pride came the better of me a year leter one of the cleverer girls of the group got an offer to come to one of the top high school in the country, and that was all all my friends talked about. then i lied. i said i had gotten the place. I hadnt lied for a long time before this.
but this time, noone belived me. they wanted me to tell the truth. as soon as i heard they didnt, i stoped talking to them. stopped. when other people asked why i didnt go to the school that i said had given me the offer i said i declined it like my other friend. now i was alone. i lost my best friend. noone was my friend. i dreaded the lunch and break bell. i spent all my time in the girls toilets, sometimes i got kicked out. i cried so much. i tried sorting it out but i hung onto that lie. i told myself that things had eventualy have to get better. the girls taunted me, started fights with me. and every lesson i would sit in jelousy watching them how happy they were playing with each other. sometimes id laugh at their jokes.
noone at home knew, things weer bad as it is. no money, my older sister got ill. she got schitzogphenia and she did some horrible things to herself that still make my tear up inside. but shes fine now, just overweight and unhappy.
3 years later i managed to make a few friends but theyre not good. i made friends with them girls but all they do is laugh at me in class and then say sorry whilst laughing. i feel so small. the friends i have now say bad things about me. i have noone.
but ive never had any friends, i thaught i was normal but im not. when i was little i found it difficult to have ice friends and now i dont either.
whwn im not talking, im studying. i study everyone. what thyre like, how are they happy what do they have that i dont. i think alot too, what could have been what can be.
i hate myself, i started cutting a year ago. andtoday people saw, and said bad things. i know i am bipolar. i hvnt been diagnosed but i know i am. drawing blood from my skin feels so good. i think about killing myself all the time. im slightly phsycotic,i  think about doing strange things, like now i want to be run over by a car. i feel so numb. i dont feel alive. the only reason why im living is because of my religion.
im an attention seeker, ive missed so much out there so much more. the reson why i hvnt told anyone is because no one cares. trust me. ive tried.
i know things will be better in the future, i have to wait til im out of high school but this is now and it horrible. when i look at the ceiling of a new room i imagine my body hanging from it. i dont want to die, bu ti dont want to be here.
i know noone will read this, ive written to much, ive missed so much. i bet it doesnt even make sense. im noteven going to correct the gramma. im alone, noone cares
6 comments
hey thought i read it seems as you close to my age im 14 , 15 in 9 days if you want to talk im here i know what you mean when you say you dont want to die but you dont want to be here and also whenever i look at something i also think of different ways that would lead to my death,i know im youngish but life is hell , always thinking everyone would be better off , cause im nothing …anyway if you want to talk 🙂
Hi. I understand where you are coming from I am also 15 and in a very deep depression. my older sister also has schitzophenia. I have seen her do horrible things no one should have to see. Just last month I attempted suicide for the first time. i am now on meds but they make me more depressed. i do care that you are in so much pain. no one should have to be in so much. if you want you can email me and we can talk. i’m here for you. my email is shandideditch@yahoo.com i care that you are alone because i am too and i know how it feels.
I guess that means I am no one. But I’m ok with that. It is not better on the other side. Just different. And unless you get your “poop in a group” you’ll find this out. I have died. They just sent me back. There is no way out of life, just through it.
My son had a similiar problem and we sold our home and moved to give him a fresh start. Didn’t work cause he wanted it to be better but didn’t want to do the work to make himself feel better.
Your parents can’t fix you. Your friends can not fix you. Your Imam can not fix you.
Even though they probably would like to. You have to do the work. No pain….no gain.
It pisses me off the number of people who are being diagnosed with mental illnesses when the majority of them are either emotional illnesses or spiritual crises. Don’t give up. Apologize to any of your friends you would like to continue to have a relationship with, this means admitting what you have done. And then do something different.
Keep reading, keep praying and keep working. You’ll make it.
It will get better, but only if you get better. You are not wrong or evil or anything else, it’s just your perception of yourself that is wrong.
@noway
The friends you have in school are the people you will avoid and despise in your adult life. Because you’ll know for the rest of your life that you don’t to be them or be like them.
I don’t think you need to apologise to anyone, that would be like apologising for being young, or inexperienced. If I were you I would work hard at my studies, centre the next couple of years of your life around them. You don’t need anything at your age except to fill your brain with all the knowledge and empathy that will make you a beautiful person when you’re 25.
I had a rotten time at school and I spent most of those years trying to impress and get into favour with people who I have never seen since and who never mattered in any way. Not worth it.
Your life is your own, treat it as your own, not someone else’s. Forget about gossip – study books not people.
@ Amakua2309…you’re vibing the way I do on here. Very cool!
All very selfishly softsoul….. lol …..all very selfishly
can’t wait to hear your story.