Why not end it?

im not sure what to say other than i know all your going thru seems like alot right now but life will get better for you it will just take time. I offer this to you becouse i dont want you to kill yourself, wich puzzles me becouse i am thinking of killing myself also and if i am going to end it why care if some totally random person on some blog does the same thing? I think its becouse my life has alot of simularities to yours except it was a long time ago that i was in a simular situation,. i was kicked out of the marines in 1999, for smoking a joint when i was really drunk at a party, twice on different occasions. they didnt like that very much and didnt beleive me, my father disowned me for a second time and my wife at the time left me. i tryed to jump off the barracks at WFTBN, camp pendalton california but the A duty NCO and duty NCO stoped me, phsically, i fought back and almost killed one of them in the process, the A duty NCO who was a sargent at the time got a medal, lol but anyway my point is after that slowly but surely my life got better, until 2007 when i got hurt at my work and have been in debilitating pain that has gotten progressivly worse(like my spelling) since then, coused by a genetic disorder that was triggered by the injury or so it seems , the doctor’s don’t really have all the answers and since im on medicare, they are very slow in there diagnoses, milking the state and my patience. I used to be very active, playing with my kids, and taking them places really enjoying life and my family, but now i cant do anything hardly., it pains me to have my kids see me like this and the longer it goes on the more they forget how i used to be and replace that image with the way i am now. hell, i can’t stand to look at myself in the mirroe anymore, ive gained over 90lbs in the last few yrs since the accident and my life consist of nothing, i contribute nothing, and it pains me. some days i cry and cant stop, like right now. i hide this the best i can. if im alone i fantasize with my 9mm in my mouth wishing i had the ballz to pull the trigger, what seems to stop me is the thought of my children seeing the mess my brains would make on the floor, other times when im driving alone i see my self wanting to steer into oncoming traffic or a tree, or bridge, but chicken out. luckily i dont get the chance to drive alone very much becouse my girlfriend takes our only car to work and insists on going with me if i go anywhere. yeah, my girlfriend , been with me for 9yrs, mother of my children, she loves me, and i love her but, i feel like i have nothing to offer her anymore,. i have no sex drive becouse of the pain and the medication, on morphine currently, and other stuff. I know its only a matter of time though,, if my symptoms dont improve that she will lose interest in me, hell i dont know how she hasnt yet., im completely detached and my mood swings are rampent, my patence swallowed up by my pain., now is full body and constant….. me and my father dont speek, my mother is frantic normally so hard to talk to, but now my grandmother is dying and she is on defcon 10 all the time so impossible to talk too. so i am talking to you annonamous anybody, dont care what you think, or what you do for obvious reasons but for the moment i will put the gun away for writing this to you, has for some reason made me calm enough i might get some sleep tonight… so here is too tommorow… happy holidays… let’s both try to make too 2012 and take it from there.