Do you ever feel like you  live your entire life waiting for something?  Wait until next year, then things will get better.  Wait until I  graduate high  school, college, law school — then life will start.  Wait until  I  meet the  right guy, then I will be happy.  Wait, wait, wait.
I’ve been waiting for almost 15 years now.  I always think  the next accomplishment will be  the one to make me happy.  But the longer I live and the more I accomplish, the emptier I feel.  I graduated from high school at the top of my class.  I was a National Merit Scholar and the swimming MVP.  I went on to a top-10 college, where I earned two engineering degrees, an athletic scholarship, 4 D1 varsity letters, and all-conference accolades.  From there, I went to a top-10 law school, where I worked  my way  into the top quarter  of my class and scored a clerkship with a federal circuit judge  for after  graduation.
And after all of those years of work and all of that resume-building, I am still a useless, worthless person that nobody wants to be around.  I never get anything right, and I’m finally realizing that no matter how much training or education or experience I have under my belt, I never actually will. And  after all of that  waiting for my life to get started, I’m starting  to understand that I’m never actually going to have a life  that was worth  waiting for.
Today is Christmas day, and I’m at home with my parents.  In a bedroom  alone because my parents don’t actually like to talk to me.  I’m 27, going on 28,  but today I might as well be 12.  I don’t have  a husband or a fiance or a boyfriend, because I’ve never been able to keep a guy interested for more than 3 dates.  I got one email from one friend today, a college friend who is currently halfway across the world and whom I haven’t seen in almost a year, but otherwise, I haven’t talked to anyone and have no one else to call. Eventually my parents will be gone, and then I’ll spend Christmas completely alone.  Why even bother waiting for that to happen.  I might as well just end it now.  It’s not like anyone will care.
7 comments
I am so sorry you feel that way. I’m sure yor parents love you. You are obviously in a really sad place at the moment. You have achieved alot in your life but your achievements arn’t who you are. My boyfriend took his own life 10 months ago and it ids the most devestating thing for me and his family. He was the love of ,y life. Pease go get some help. There is help out there, adepression support group? Have you ever thought about volunteering to meet more people? Helping others always makes you feel better. Please do something to help yourself, when you find the things that make you happy you will be ok. You are still so yooung and have your whole life ahead of you x
Maybe you could use your law degree to do pro bono work and help other people. Sometimes getting out of your own head and yourself helps. IMHO. What is it, do you think, that turns people off to you? Is it ’cause you are depressed? It sounds like for a depressed person you sure have accomplished a lot. So, at some point you had the energy to do this… I have never had that much energy in my whole life.
Believe me, you’re still young. There is still plenty of time for your life to work. It’s only our modern obsession with youth and conformity that has us believe that we should have achieved certain things by a certain age. As far as I can see you’ve done all the hard work; you’ve laid the ground for a good future – so why give up now?
You might have let your relationships and friendships slide to concentrate on gaining your qualifications – now that is done, you can give future romances and friendships much more attention.
as a twelve year old i can tell you, you’ve accomplished so much, and as a depressed person I cannot say how happy I am to see you’re still here, and might just make a difference
Jeasus uve done done more than i could hope to, i constantely fuk up nd only scrape through everything for the simple fact i cant muster the energy to care. To have done so much by 27 is impressive but if it was me id do what @hbmom said go pro bono and focous on doing what ever makes u happy. Fuk the world fuk family fuk everyones expectations fuk conforming if u want to do something go do it travel america back pack europe anything at all sky diving. U spent too much time focoused on career nd money fuk them they not important when u dye they mean nothing. all that matters is how u lived now i dont know bout u but if i had ur abilities id spend my life doing anything i felt like and helping others nd once ur taking care of urself everything else will sort itself out nd if it doesnt it can fuk right off
O nd happy christmas 😀
Waiting is simply a waste of precious time. Action is necessary to achieve the life you desire. The question is, do you know what you want, and do you understand why you want it?
As ’causeway’ stated, “As far as I can see you’ve done all the hard work; you’ve laid the ground for a good future – so why give up now?”
In your post I detect a hint of low self-esteem. You shouldn’t base your self-worth on what others perceive you as. Of course, I don’t have any background knowledge on why people don’t appreciate your company. The reason may either be them or you.
You should take advantage of your solitude to observe your current situation to get in depth with yourself. It is only you that has the answers, nobody else can figure it out because they don’t have access to personal information such as past events, your deepest desires, your secrets. Crazy ain’t it? If people had the ability to read our minds and look into our souls. Invasion of privacy I say. Most likely they would get the facts jumbled up into nonsense. Oh, I realized I’m rambling. Pardon me.
Best of luck to your future endeavors.
Hey Miss,
You are evidently quite intelligent and perhaps this may scare off less suited men, who are often themselves insecure about who they are in the world.
Many career people are often disappointed when they secure material things and acievments but dont have the personal warmth or love that all humans crave in theri lives.
Should you ever want to merely chat to someone with a different but informed perspective, then feel free to do so whether via here/email or msn.
Here’s to wishing you a ‘reasonably’ okay holiday/festive period, but more importantly, a better new year for you.
Feel free to say hi ..
AdAstra